Alls Well That Ends Well

In delivering my son from me , I bury a second husband .

And I in going , madam , weep o’er my father’s death anew ; but I must attend his Majesty’s command , to whom I am now in ward , evermore in subjection .

You shall find of the King a husband , madam ; you , sir , a father . He that so generally is at all times good must of necessity hold his virtue to you , whose worthiness would stir it up where it wanted rather than lack it where there is such abundance .

What hope is there of his Majesty’s amendment ?

He hath abandoned his physicians , madam , under whose practices he hath persecuted time with hope , and finds no other advantage in the process but only the losing of hope by time .

This young gentlewoman had a father — O , that “ had , ” how sad a passage ’tis ! — whose skill was almost as great as his honesty ; had it stretched so far , would have made nature immortal , and death should have play for lack of work . Would for the King’s sake he were living ! I think it would be the death of the King’s disease .

How called you the man you speak of , madam ?

He was famous , sir , in his profession , and it was his great right to be so : Gerard de Narbon .

He was excellent indeed , madam . The King very lately spoke of him admiringly , and mourningly . He was skillful enough to have lived still , if knowledge could be set up against mortality .

What is it , my good lord , the King languishes of ?

A fistula , my lord .

I heard not of it before .

I would it were not notorious . — Was this gentlewoman the daughter of Gerard de Narbon ?

His sole child , my lord , and bequeathed to my overlooking . I have those hopes of her good that her education promises . Her dispositions she inherits , which makes fair gifts fairer ; for where an unclean mind carries virtuous qualities , there commendations go with pity — they are virtues and traitors too . In her they are the better for their simpleness . She derives her honesty and achieves her goodness .

Your commendations , madam , get from her tears .

’Tis the best brine a maiden can season her praise in . The remembrance of her father never approaches her heart but the tyranny of her sorrows takes all livelihood from her cheek . — No more of this , Helena . Go to . No more , lest it be rather thought you affect a sorrow than to have —

I do affect a sorrow indeed , but I have it too .

Moderate lamentation is the right of the dead , excessive grief the enemy to the living .

If the living be enemy to the grief , the excess makes it soon mortal .

Madam , I desire your holy wishes .

How understand we that ?

Heaven bless him . — Farewell , Bertram .

The best wishes that can be forged in your thoughts be servants to you .

Be comfortable to my mother , your mistress , and make much of her .

Farewell , pretty lady . You must hold the credit of your father .

Save you , fair queen .

And you , monarch .

No .

And no .

Are you meditating on virginity ?

Ay . You have some stain of soldier in you ; let me ask you a question . Man is enemy to virginity . How may we barricado it against him ?

Keep him out .

But he assails , and our virginity , though valiant in the defense , yet is weak . Unfold to us some warlike resistance .

There is none . Man setting down before you will undermine you and blow you up .

Bless our poor virginity from underminers and blowers-up ! Is there no military policy how virgins might blow up men ?

Virginity being blown down , man will quicklier be blown up . Marry , in blowing him down again , with the breach yourselves made you lose your city . It is not politic in the commonwealth of nature to preserve virginity . Loss of virginity is rational increase , and there was never virgin got till virginity was first lost . That you were made of is metal to make virgins . Virginity by being once lost may be ten times found ; by being ever kept , it is ever lost . ’Tis too cold a companion . Away with ’t .

I will stand for ’t a little , though therefore I die a virgin .

There’s little can be said in ’t . ’Tis against the rule of nature . To speak on the part of virginity is to accuse your mothers , which is most infallible disobedience . He that hangs himself is a virgin ; virginity murders itself and should be buried in highways out of all sanctified limit as a desperate offendress against nature . Virginity breeds mites , much like a cheese , consumes itself to the very paring , and so dies with feeding his own stomach . Besides , virginity is peevish , proud , idle , made of self-love , which is the most inhibited sin in the canon . Keep it not ; you cannot choose but lose by ’t . Out with ’t ! Within ten year it will make itself two , which is a goodly increase , and the principal itself not much the worse . Away with ’t !

How might one do , sir , to lose it to her own liking ?

Let me see . Marry , ill , to like him that ne’er it likes . ’Tis a commodity will lose the gloss with lying ; the longer kept , the less worth . Off with ’t while ’tis vendible ; answer the time of request . Virginity , like an old courtier , wears her cap out of fashion , richly suited but unsuitable , just like the brooch and the toothpick , which wear not now . Your date is better in your pie and your porridge than in your cheek . And your virginity , your old virginity , is like one of our French withered pears : it looks ill , it eats dryly ; marry , ’tis a withered pear . It was formerly better , marry , yet ’tis a withered pear . Will you anything with it ?

Monsieur Parolles , my lord calls for you .

Little Helen , farewell . If I can remember thee , I will think of thee at court .

Monsieur Parolles , you were born under a charitable star .

Under Mars , I .

I especially think under Mars .

Why under Mars ?

The wars hath so kept you under that you must needs be born under Mars .

When he was predominant .

When he was retrograde , I think rather .

Why think you so ?

You go so much backward when you fight .

That’s for advantage .

So is running away , when fear proposes the safety . But the composition that your valor and fear makes in you is a virtue of a good wing , and I like the wear well .

I am so full of businesses I cannot answer thee acutely . I will return perfect courtier , in the which my instruction shall serve to naturalize thee , so thou wilt be capable of a courtier’s counsel and understand what advice shall thrust upon thee , else thou diest in thine unthankfulness , and thine ignorance makes thee away . Farewell . When thou hast leisure , say thy prayers ; when thou hast none , remember thy friends . Get thee a good husband , and use him as he uses thee . So , farewell .

I will now hear . What say you of this gentlewoman ?

Madam , the care I have had to even your content I wish might be found in the calendar of my past endeavors , for then we wound our modesty and make foul the clearness of our deservings when of ourselves we publish them .

What does this knave here ? Get you gone , sirrah . The complaints I have heard of you I do not all believe . ’Tis my slowness that I do not , for I know you lack not folly to commit them and have ability enough to make such knaveries yours .

’Tis not unknown to you , madam , I am a poor fellow .

Well , sir .

No , madam , ’tis not so well that I am poor , though many of the rich are damned . But if I may have your Ladyship’s good will to go to the world , Isbel the woman and I will do as we may .

Wilt thou needs be a beggar ?

I do beg your good will in this case .

In what case ?

In Isbel’s case and mine own . Service is no heritage , and I think I shall never have the blessing of God till I have issue o’ my body , for they say bairns are blessings .

Tell me thy reason why thou wilt marry .

My poor body , madam , requires it . I am driven on by the flesh , and he must needs go that the devil drives .

Is this all your Worship’s reason ?

Faith , madam , I have other holy reasons , such as they are .

May the world know them ?

I have been , madam , a wicked creature , as you and all flesh and blood are , and indeed I do marry that I may repent .

Thy marriage sooner than thy wickedness .

I am out o’ friends , madam , and I hope to have friends for my wife’s sake .

Such friends are thine enemies , knave .

You’re shallow , madam , in great friends , for the knaves come to do that for me which I am aweary of . He that ears my land spares my team and gives me leave to in the crop ; if I be his cuckold , he’s my drudge . He that comforts my wife is the cherisher of my flesh and blood ; he that cherishes my flesh and blood loves my flesh and blood ; he that loves my flesh and blood is my friend . Ergo , he that kisses my wife is my friend . If men could be contented to be what they are , there were no fear in marriage , for young Charbon the Puritan and old Poysam the Papist , howsome’er their hearts are severed in religion , their heads are both one ; they may jowl horns together like any deer i’ th’ herd .

Wilt thou ever be a foul-mouthed and calumnious knave ?

A prophet I , madam , and I speak the truth the next way :

Get you gone , sir . I’ll talk with you more anon .

May it please you , madam , that he bid Helen come to you . Of her I am to speak .

Sirrah , tell my gentlewoman I would speak with her — Helen , I mean .

What , one good in ten ? You corrupt the song , sirrah .

One good woman in ten , madam , which is a purifying o’ th’ song . Would God would serve the world so all the year ! We’d find no fault with the tithe-woman if I were the parson . One in ten , quoth he ? An we might have a good woman born but or every blazing star or at an earthquake , ’twould mend the lottery well . A man may draw his heart out ere he pluck one .

You’ll be gone , sir knave , and do as I command you !

That man should be at woman’s command , and yet no hurt done ! Though honesty be no Puritan , yet it will do no hurt ; it will wear the surplice of humility over the black gown of a big heart . I am going , forsooth . The business is for Helen to come hither .

Well , now .

I know , madam , you love your gentlewoman entirely .

Faith , I do . Her father bequeathed her to me , and she herself , without other advantage , may lawfully make title to as much love as she finds . There is more owing her than is paid , and more shall be paid her than she’ll demand .

Madam , I was very late more near her than I think she wished me . Alone she was and did communicate to herself her own words to her own ears ; she thought , I dare vow for her , they touched not any stranger sense . Her matter was she loved your son . Fortune , she said , was no goddess , that had put such difference betwixt their two estates ; Love no god , that would not extend his might only where qualities were level ; Dian no queen of virgins , that would suffer her poor knight surprised without rescue in the first assault or ransom afterward . This she delivered in the most bitter touch of sorrow that e’er I heard virgin exclaim in , which I held my duty speedily to acquaint you withal , sithence in the loss that may happen it concerns you something to know it .

You have discharged this honestly . Keep it to yourself . Many likelihoods informed me of this before , which hung so tott’ring in the balance that I could neither believe nor misdoubt . Pray you leave me . Stall this in your bosom , and I thank you for your honest care . I will speak with you further anon .

I grow to you , and our parting is a tortured body .

Farewell , captain .

Sweet Monsieur Parolles .

Noble heroes , my sword and yours are kin . Good sparks and lustrous , a word , good metals . You shall find in the regiment of the Spinii one Captain Spurio with his cicatrice , an emblem of war , here on his sinister cheek . It was this very sword entrenched it . Say to him I live , and observe his reports for me .

We shall , noble captain .

Mars dote on you for his novices .

What will you do ?

Stay the King .

Use a more spacious ceremony to the noble lords . You have restrained yourself within the list of too cold an adieu . Be more expressive to them , for they wear themselves in the cap of the time ; there do muster true gait ; eat , speak , and move under the influence of the most received star , and , though the devil lead the measure , such are to be followed . After them , and take a more dilated farewell .

And I will do so .

Worthy fellows , and like to prove most sinewy swordmen .

Come on , sir . I shall now put you to the height of your breeding .

I will show myself highly fed and lowly taught . I know my business is but to the court .

“ To the court ” ? Why , what place make you special when you put off that with such contempt ? “ But to the court ” ?

Truly , madam , if God have lent a man any manners , he may easily put it off at court . He that cannot make a leg , put off ’s cap , kiss his hand , and say nothing , has neither leg , hands , lip , nor cap ; and indeed such a fellow , to say precisely , were not for the court . But , for me , I have an answer will serve all men .

Marry , that’s a bountiful answer that fits all questions .

It is like a barber’s chair that fits all buttocks : the pin-buttock , the quatch-buttock , the brawn-buttock , or any buttock .

Will your answer serve fit to all questions ?

As fit as ten groats is for the hand of an attorney , as your French crown for your taffety punk , as Tib’s rush for Tom’s forefinger , as a pancake for Shrove Tuesday , a morris for May Day , as the nail to his hole , the cuckold to his horn , as a scolding quean to a wrangling knave , as the nun’s lip to the friar’s mouth , nay , as the pudding to his skin .

Have you , I say , an answer of such fitness for all questions ?

From below your duke to beneath your constable , it will fit any question .

It must be an answer of most monstrous size that must fit all demands .

But a trifle neither , in good faith , if the learned should speak truth of it . Here it is , and all that belongs to ’t . Ask me if I am a courtier ; it shall do you no harm to learn .

To be young again , if we could ! I will be a fool in question , hoping to be the wiser by your answer . I pray you , sir , are you a courtier ?

O Lord , sir ! — There’s a simple putting off . More , more , a hundred of them .

Sir , I am a poor friend of yours that loves you .

O Lord , sir ! — Thick , thick . Spare not me .

I think , sir , you can eat none of this homely meat .

O Lord , sir ! — Nay , put me to ’t , I warrant you .

You were lately whipped , sir , as I think .

O Lord , sir ! — Spare not me .

Do you cry “ O Lord , sir ! ” at your whipping , and “ spare not me ” ? Indeed your “ O Lord , sir ! ” is very sequent to your whipping . You would answer very well to a whipping if you were but bound to ’t .

I ne’er had worse luck in my life in my “ O Lord , sir ! ” I see things may serve long but not serve ever .

I play the noble huswife with the time to entertain it so merrily with a fool .

O Lord , sir ! — Why , there ’t serves well again .

Not much commendation to them ?

Most fruitfully . I am there before my legs .

Haste you again .

They say miracles are past , and we have our philosophical persons to make modern and familiar things supernatural and causeless . Hence is it that we make trifles of terrors , ensconcing ourselves into seeming knowledge when we should submit ourselves to an unknown fear .

Why , ’tis the rarest argument of wonder that hath shot out in our latter times .

And so ’tis .

To be relinquished of the artists —

So I say , both of Galen and Paracelsus .

Of all the learned and authentic fellows —

Right , so I say .

That gave him out incurable —

Why , there ’tis . So say I too .

Not to be helped .

Right , as ’twere a man assured of a —

Uncertain life and sure death .

Just . You say well . So would I have said .

I may truly say it is a novelty to the world .

It is indeed . If you will have it in showing , you shall read it in what-do-you-call there .

A showing of a heavenly effect in an earthly actor .

That’s it . I would have said the very same .

Why , your dolphin is not lustier . ’Fore me , I speak in respect —

Nay , ’tis strange , ’tis very strange ; that is the brief and the tedious of it ; and he’s of a most facinorous spirit that will not acknowledge it to be the —

Very hand of heaven .

Ay , so I say .

In a most weak —

And debile minister . Great power , great transcendence , which should indeed give us a further use to be made than alone the recov’ry of the King , as to be —

Generally thankful .

I would have said it . You say well . Here comes the King .

Lustig , as the Dutchman says . I’ll like a maid the better whilst I have a tooth in my head . Why , he’s able to lead her a coranto .

Mort du vinaigre ! Is not this Helen ?

’Fore God , I think so .

I had rather be in this choice than throw ambs-ace for my life .

Do all they deny her ? An they were sons of mine , I’d have them whipped , or I would send them to th’ Turk to make eunuchs of .

These boys are boys of ice ; they’ll none have her . Sure they are bastards to the English ; the French ne’er got ’em .

There’s one grape yet . I am sure thy father drunk wine . But if thou be’st not an ass , I am a youth of fourteen ; I have known thee already .

Do you hear , monsieur ? A word with you .

Your pleasure , sir .

Your lord and master did well to make his recantation .

“ Recantation ” ? My “ lord ” ? My “ master ” ?

Ay . Is it not a language I speak ?

A most harsh one , and not to be understood without bloody succeeding . My “ master ” ?

Are you companion to the Count Rossillion ?

To any count , to all counts , to what is man .

To what is count’s man . Count’s master is of another style .

You are too old , sir ; let it satisfy you , you are too old .

I must tell thee , sirrah , I write man , to which title age cannot bring thee .

What I dare too well do , I dare not do .

I did think thee , for two ordinaries , to be a pretty wise fellow ; thou didst make tolerable vent of thy travel ; it might pass . Yet the scarves and the bannerets about thee did manifoldly dissuade me from believing thee a vessel of too great a burden . I have now found thee . When I lose thee again , I care not . Yet art thou good for nothing but taking up , and that thou ’rt scarce worth .

Hadst thou not the privilege of antiquity upon thee —

Do not plunge thyself too far in anger lest thou hasten thy trial , which if — Lord have mercy on thee for a hen ! So , my good window of lattice , fare thee well ; thy casement I need not open , for I look through thee . Give me thy hand .

My lord , you give me most egregious indignity .

Ay , with all my heart , and thou art worthy of it .

I have not , my lord , deserved it .

Yes , good faith , ev’ry dram of it , and I will not bate thee a scruple .

Well , I shall be wiser .

Ev’n as soon as thou canst , for thou hast to pull at a smack o’ th’ contrary . If ever thou be’st bound in thy scarf and beaten , thou shalt find what it is to be proud of thy bondage . I have a desire to hold my acquaintance with thee , or rather my knowledge , that I may say in the default “ He is a man I know . ”

My lord , you do me most insupportable vexation .

I would it were hell pains for thy sake , and my poor doing eternal ; for doing I am past , as I will by thee in what motion age will give me leave .

Well , thou hast a son shall take this disgrace off me . Scurvy , old , filthy , scurvy lord ! Well , I must be patient ; there is no fettering of authority . I’ll beat him , by my life , if I can meet him with any convenience , an he were double and double a lord . I’ll have no more pity of his age than I would have of — I’ll beat him , an if I could but meet him again .

Sirrah , your lord and master’s married . There’s news for you : you have a new mistress .

I most unfeignedly beseech your Lordship to make some reservation of your wrongs . He is my good lord ; whom I serve above is my master .

Who ? God ?

Ay , sir .

The devil it is that’s thy master . Why dost thou garter up thy arms o’ this fashion ? Dost make hose of thy sleeves ? Do other servants so ? Thou wert best set thy lower part where thy nose stands . By mine honor , if I were but two hours younger , I’d beat thee . Methink’st thou art a general offense , and every man should beat thee . I think thou wast created for men to breathe themselves upon thee .

This is hard and undeserved measure , my lord .

Go to , sir . You were beaten in Italy for picking a kernel out of a pomegranate . You are a vagabond , and no true traveler . You are more saucy with lords and honorable personages than the commission of your birth and virtue gives you heraldry . You are not worth another word ; else I’d call you knave . I leave you .

Good , very good ! It is so , then . Good , very good . Let it be concealed awhile .

France is a dog-hole , and it no more merits the tread of a man’s foot . To th’ wars !

There’s letters from my mother . What th’ import is I know not yet .

Ay , that would be known . To th’ wars , my boy , to th’ wars !

My mother greets me kindly . Is she well ?

She is not well , but yet she has her health . She’s very merry , but yet she is not well . But , thanks be given , she’s very well and wants nothing i’ th’ world , but yet she is not well .

If she be very well , what does she ail that she’s not very well ?

Truly , she’s very well indeed , but for two things .

What two things ?

One , that she’s not in heaven , whither God send her quickly ; the other , that she’s in Earth , from whence God send her quickly .

Bless you , my fortunate lady .

I hope , sir , I have your good will to have mine own good fortunes .

You had my prayers to lead them on , and to keep them on have them still . — O my knave , how does my old lady ?

So that you had her wrinkles and I her money , I would she did as you say .

Why , I say nothing .

Marry , you are the wiser man , for many a man’s tongue shakes out his master’s undoing . To say nothing , to do nothing , to know nothing , and to have nothing is to be a great part of your title , which is within a very little of nothing .

Away . Thou ’rt a knave .

You should have said , sir , “ Before a knave , thou ’rt a knave ” ; that’s “ Before me , thou ’rt a knave . ” This had been truth , sir .

Go to . Thou art a witty fool . I have found thee .

Did you find me in yourself , sir , or were you taught to find me ?

The search , sir , was profitable , and much fool may you find in you , even to the world’s pleasure and the increase of laughter .

But I hope your Lordship thinks not him a soldier .

Yes , my lord , and of very valiant approof .

You have it from his own deliverance .

And by other warranted testimony .

Then my dial goes not true . I took this lark for a bunting .

I do assure you , my lord , he is very great in knowledge and accordingly valiant .

I have then sinned against his experience and transgressed against his valor , and my state that way is dangerous since I cannot yet find in my heart to repent . Here he comes . I pray you make us friends . I will pursue the amity .

These things shall be done , sir .

Pray you , sir , who’s his tailor ?

Sir ?

O , I know him well . Ay , sir , he , sir , ’s a good workman , a very good tailor .

Is she gone to the King ?

She is .

Will she away tonight ?

As you’ll have her .

A good traveler is something at the latter end of a dinner , but one that lies three thirds , and uses a known truth to pass a thousand nothings with , should be once heard and thrice beaten . — God save you , captain .

Is there any unkindness between my lord and you , monsieur ?

I know not how I have deserved to run into my lord’s displeasure .

You have made shift to run into ’t , boots and spurs and all , like him that leapt into the custard ; and out of it you’ll run again rather than suffer question for your residence .

It may be you have mistaken him , my lord .

And shall do so ever , though I took him at ’s prayers . Fare you well , my lord , and believe this of me : there can be no kernel in this light nut . The soul of this man is his clothes . Trust him not in matter of heavy consequence . I have kept of them tame and know their natures . — Farewell , monsieur . I have spoken better of you than you have or will to deserve at my hand , but we must do good against evil .

An idle lord , I swear .

I think not so .

Why , do you not know him ?

It hath happened all as I would have had it , save that he comes not along with her .

By my troth , I take my young lord to be a very melancholy man .

By what observance , I pray you ?

Why , he will look upon his boot and sing , mend the ruff and sing , ask questions and sing , pick his teeth and sing . I know a man that had this trick of melancholy sold a goodly manor for a song .

Let me see what he writes and when he means to come .

I have no mind to Isbel since I was at court . Our old lings and our Isbels o’ th’ country are nothing like your old ling and your Isbels o’ th’ court . The brains of my Cupid’s knocked out , and I begin to love as an old man loves money , with no stomach .

What have we here ?

E’en that you have there .

I have sent you a daughter-in-law . She hath recovered the King and undone me . I have wedded her , not bedded her , and sworn to make the “ not ” eternal . You shall hear I am run away . Know it before the report come . If there be breadth enough in the world , I will hold a long distance . My duty to you . Your unfortunate son , Bertram .

O madam , yonder is heavy news within , between two soldiers and my young lady .

What is the matter ?

Nay , there is some comfort in the news , some comfort . Your son will not be killed so soon as I thought he would .

Why should he be killed ?

So say I , madam , if he run away , as I hear he does . The danger is in standing to ’t ; that’s the loss of men , though it be the getting of children . Here they come will tell you more . For my part , I only hear your son was run away .

When thou canst get the ring upon my finger , which never shall come off , and show me a child begotten of thy body that I am father to , then call me husband . But in such a “ then ” I write a “ never . ”

Nay , come , for if they do approach the city , we shall lose all the sight .

They say the French count has done most honorable service .

It is reported that he has taken their great’st commander , and that with his own hand he slew the Duke’s brother . We have lost our labor . They are gone a contrary way . Hark , you may know by their trumpets .

Come , let’s return again and suffice ourselves with the report of it . — Well , Diana , take heed of this French earl . The honor of a maid is her name , and no legacy is so rich as honesty .

I have told my neighbor how you have been solicited by a gentleman , his companion .

I know that knave , hang him ! One Parolles , a filthy officer he is in those suggestions for the young earl . — Beware of them , Diana . Their promises , enticements , oaths , tokens , and all these engines of lust are not the things they go under . Many a maid hath been seduced by them ; and the misery is example that so terrible shows in the wrack of maidenhood cannot for all that dissuade succession , but that they are limed with the twigs that threatens them . I hope I need not to advise you further , but I hope your own grace will keep you where you are , though there were no further danger known but the modesty which is so lost .

You shall not need to fear me .

I hope so .

Look , here comes a pilgrim . I know she will lie at my house ; thither they send one another . I’ll question her . — God save you , pilgrim . Whither are bound ?

He’s shrewdly vexed at something . Look , he has spied us .

And your courtesy , for a ring-carrier .

Nay , good my lord , put him to ’t . Let him have his way .

If your Lordship find him not a hilding , hold me no more in your respect .

On my life , my lord , a bubble .

Do you think I am so far deceived in him ?

Believe it , my lord . In mine own direct knowledge , without any malice , but to speak of him as my kinsman , he’s a most notable coward , an infinite and endless liar , an hourly promise-breaker , the owner of no one good quality worthy your Lordship’s entertainment .

It were fit you knew him , lest , reposing too far in his virtue , which he hath not , he might at some great and trusty business in a main danger fail you .

I would I knew in what particular action to try him .

None better than to let him fetch off his drum , which you hear him so confidently undertake to do .

I , with a troop of Florentines , will suddenly surprise him . Such I will have whom I am sure he knows not from the enemy . We will bind and hoodwink him so , that he shall suppose no other but that he is carried into the leaguer of the adversary’s when we bring him to our own tents . Be but your Lordship present at his examination . If he do not for the promise of his life , and in the highest compulsion of base fear , offer to betray you and deliver all the intelligence in his power against you , and that with the divine forfeit of his soul upon oath , never trust my judgment in anything .

O , for the love of laughter , let him fetch his drum . He says he has a stratagem for ’t . When your Lordship sees the bottom of his success in ’t , and to what metal this counterfeit lump of ore will be melted , if you give him not John Drum’s entertainment , your inclining cannot be removed . Here he comes .

O , for the love of laughter , hinder not the honor of his design . Let him fetch off his drum in any hand .

How now , monsieur ? This drum sticks sorely in your disposition .

A pox on ’t ! Let it go . ’Tis but a drum .

But a drum ! Is ’t but a drum ? A drum so lost ! There was excellent command , to charge in with our horse upon our own wings and to rend our own soldiers !

That was not to be blamed in the command of the service . It was a disaster of war that Caesar himself could not have prevented if he had been there to command .

Well , we cannot greatly condemn our success . Some dishonor we had in the loss of that drum , but it is not to be recovered .

It might have been recovered .

It might , but it is not now .

It is to be recovered . But that the merit of service is seldom attributed to the true and exact performer , I would have that drum or another , or hic jacet .

Why , if you have a stomach , to ’t , monsieur ! If you think your mystery in stratagem can bring this instrument of honor again into his native quarter , be magnanimous in the enterprise and go on . I will grace the attempt for a worthy exploit . If you speed well in it , the Duke shall both speak of it and extend to you what further becomes his greatness , even to the utmost syllable of your worthiness .

By the hand of a soldier , I will undertake it .

But you must not now slumber in it .

I’ll about it this evening , and I will presently pen down my dilemmas , encourage myself in my certainty , put myself into my mortal preparation ; and by midnight look to hear further from me .

May I be bold to acquaint his Grace you are gone about it ?

I know not what the success will be , my lord , but the attempt I vow .

I know thou ’rt valiant , and to the possibility of thy soldiership will subscribe for thee . Farewell .

I love not many words .

No more than a fish loves water . Is not this a strange fellow , my lord , that so confidently seems to undertake this business which he knows is not to be done , damns himself to do , and dares better be damned than to do ’t ?

You do not know him , my lord , as we do . Certain it is that he will steal himself into a man’s favor and for a week escape a great deal of discoveries , but when you find him out , you have him ever after .

Why , do you think he will make no deed at all of this that so seriously he does address himself unto ?

None in the world , but return with an invention and clap upon you two or three probable lies . But we have almost embossed him . You shall see his fall tonight ; for indeed he is not for your Lordship’s respect .

We’ll make you some sport with the fox ere we case him . He was first smoked by the old Lord Lafew . When his disguise and he is parted , tell me what a sprat you shall find him , which you shall see this very night .

I must go look my twigs . He shall be caught .

Your brother he shall go along with me .

As ’t please your Lordship . I’ll leave you .

He can come no other way but by this hedge corner . When you sally upon him , speak what terrible language you will . Though you understand it not yourselves , no matter . For we must not seem to understand him , unless some one among us whom we must produce for an interpreter .

Good captain , let me be th’ interpreter .

Art not acquainted with him ? Knows he not thy voice ?

No , sir , I warrant you .

But what linsey-woolsey hast thou to speak to us again ?

E’en such as you speak to me .

He must think us some band of strangers i’ th’ adversary’s entertainment . Now , he hath a smack of all neighboring languages . Therefore we must every one be a man of his own fancy , not to know what we speak one to another . So we seem to know is to know straight our purpose : choughs’ language , gabble enough and good enough . As for you , interpreter , you must seem very politic . But couch , ho ! Here he comes to beguile two hours in a sleep and then to return and swear the lies he forges .

Ten o’clock . Within these three hours ’twill be time enough to go home . What shall I say I have done ? It must be a very plausive invention that carries it . They begin to smoke me , and disgraces have of late knocked too often at my door . I find my tongue is too foolhardy , but my heart hath the fear of Mars before it , and of his creatures , not daring the reports of my tongue .

This is the first truth that e’er thine own tongue was guilty of .

What the devil should move me to undertake the recovery of this drum , being not ignorant of the impossibility and knowing I had no such purpose ? I must give myself some hurts and say I got them in exploit . Yet slight ones will not carry it . They will say “ Came you off with so little ? ” And great ones I dare not give . Wherefore ? What’s the instance ? Tongue , I must put you into a butter-woman’s mouth and buy myself another of Bajazeth’s mule if you prattle me into these perils .

Is it possible he should know what he is , and be that he is ?

I would the cutting of my garments would serve the turn , or the breaking of my Spanish sword .

We cannot afford you so .

Or the baring of my beard , and to say it was in stratagem .

’Twould not do .

Or to drown my clothes and say I was stripped .

Hardly serve .

Though I swore I leapt from the window of the citadel —

How deep ?

Thirty fathom .

Three great oaths would scarce make that be believed .

I would I had any drum of the enemy’s . I would swear I recovered it .

You shall hear one anon .

A drum , now , of the enemy’s —

Throca movousus , cargo , cargo , cargo .

Cargo , cargo , cargo , villianda par corbo , cargo .

O ransom , ransom ! Do not hide mine eyes .

Boskos thromuldo boskos .

Boskos vauvado , I understand thee and can speak thy tongue . Kerelybonto , sir , betake thee to thy faith , for seventeen poniards are at thy bosom .

O !

O , pray , pray , pray ! Manka reuania dulche .

Oscorbidulchos voliuorco .

But wilt thou faithfully ?

If I do not , damn me .

Acordo linta . Come on , thou art granted space .

You have not given him his mother’s letter ?

I have delivered it an hour since . There is something in ’t that stings his nature , for on the reading it he changed almost into another man .

He has much worthy blame laid upon him for shaking off so good a wife and so sweet a lady .

Especially he hath incurred the everlasting displeasure of the King , who had even tuned his bounty to sing happiness to him . I will tell you a thing , but you shall let it dwell darkly with you .

When you have spoken it , ’tis dead , and I am the grave of it .

He hath perverted a young gentlewoman here in Florence of a most chaste renown , and this night he fleshes his will in the spoil of her honor . He hath given her his monumental ring and thinks himself made in the unchaste composition .

Now God delay our rebellion ! As we are ourselves , what things are we !

Merely our own traitors . And , as in the common course of all treasons we still see them reveal themselves till they attain to their abhorred ends , so he that in this action contrives against his own nobility , in his proper stream o’erflows himself .

Is it not meant damnable in us to be trumpeters of our unlawful intents ? We shall not , then , have his company tonight ?

Not till after midnight , for he is dieted to his hour .

That approaches apace . I would gladly have him see his company anatomized , that he might take a measure of his own judgments wherein so curiously he had set this counterfeit .

We will not meddle with him till he come , for his presence must be the whip of the other .

In the meantime , what hear you of these wars ?

I hear there is an overture of peace .

Nay , I assure you , a peace concluded .

What will Count Rossillion do then ? Will he travel higher or return again into France ?

I perceive by this demand you are not altogether of his counsel .

Let it be forbid , sir ! So should I be a great deal of his act .

Sir , his wife some two months since fled from his house . Her pretense is a pilgrimage to Saint Jaques le Grand , which holy undertaking with most austere sanctimony she accomplished . And , there residing , the tenderness of her nature became as a prey to her grief ; in fine , made a groan of her last breath , and now she sings in heaven .

How is this justified ?

The stronger part of it by her own letters , which makes her story true even to the point of her death . Her death itself , which could not be her office to say is come , was faithfully confirmed by the rector of the place .

Hath the Count all this intelligence ?

Ay , and the particular confirmations , point from point , to the full arming of the verity .

I am heartily sorry that he’ll be glad of this .

How mightily sometimes we make us comforts of our losses .

And how mightily some other times we drown our gain in tears . The great dignity that his valor hath here acquired for him shall at home be encountered with a shame as ample .

The web of our life is of a mingled yarn , good and ill together . Our virtues would be proud if our faults whipped them not , and our crimes would despair if they were not cherished by our virtues .

How now ? Where’s your master ?

He met the Duke in the street , sir , of whom he hath taken a solemn leave . His Lordship will next morning for France . The Duke hath offered him letters of commendations to the King .

They shall be no more than needful there , if they were more than they can commend . They cannot be too sweet for the King’s tartness .

Here’s his Lordship now . — How now , my lord ? Is ’t not after midnight ?

I have tonight dispatched sixteen businesses , a month’s length apiece . By an abstract of success : I have congeed with the Duke , done my adieu with his nearest , buried a wife , mourned for her , writ to my lady mother I am returning , entertained my convoy , and between these main parcels of dispatch effected many nicer needs . The last was the greatest , but that I have not ended yet .

If the business be of any difficulty , and this morning your departure hence , it requires haste of your Lordship .

I mean the business is not ended as fearing to hear of it hereafter . But shall we have this dialogue between the Fool and the Soldier ? Come , bring forth this counterfeit module ; has deceived me like a double-meaning prophesier .

Bring him forth . Has sat i’ th’ stocks all night , poor gallant knave .

No matter . His heels have deserved it in usurping his spurs so long . How does he carry himself ?

I have told your Lordship already : the stocks carry him . But to answer you as you would be understood : he weeps like a wench that had shed her milk . He hath confessed himself to Morgan , whom he supposes to be a friar , from the time of his remembrance to this very instant disaster of his setting i’ th’ stocks . And what think you he hath confessed ?

Nothing of me , has he ?

His confession is taken , and it shall be read to his face . If your Lordship be in ’t , as I believe you are , you must have the patience to hear it .

A plague upon him ! Muffled ! He can say nothing of me .

Hush , hush . Hoodman comes . — Portotartarossa .

He calls for the tortures . What will you say without ’em ?

I will confess what I know without constraint . If you pinch me like a pasty , I can say no more .

Bosko Chimurcho .

Boblibindo chicurmurco .

You are a merciful general . — Our general bids you answer to what I shall ask you out of a note .

And truly , as I hope to live .

First , demand of him how many horse the Duke is strong . — What say you to that ?

Five or six thousand , but very weak and unserviceable . The troops are all scattered , and the commanders very poor rogues , upon my reputation and credit , and as I hope to live .

Shall I set down your answer so ?

Do . I’ll take the Sacrament on ’t , how and which way you will .

All’s one to him . What a past-saving slave is this !

You’re deceived , my lord . This is Monsieur Parolles , the gallant militarist — that was his own phrase — that had the whole theoric of war in the knot of his scarf , and the practice in the chape of his dagger .

I will never trust a man again for keeping his sword clean , nor believe he can have everything in him by wearing his apparel neatly .

Well , that’s set down .

“ Five or six thousand horse , ” I said — I will say true — “ or thereabouts ” set down , for I’ll speak truth .

He’s very near the truth in this .

But I con him no thanks for ’t , in the nature he delivers it .

“ Poor rogues , ” I pray you say .

Well , that’s set down .

I humbly thank you , sir . A truth’s a truth . The rogues are marvelous poor .

Demand of him of what strength they are o’ foot . — What say you to that ?

By my troth , sir , if I were to live but this present hour , I will tell true . Let me see : Spurio a hundred and fifty , Sebastian so many , Corambus so many , Jaques so many ; Guiltian , Cosmo , Lodowick and Gratii , two hundred fifty each ; mine own company , Chitopher , Vaumond , Bentii , two hundred fifty each ; so that the muster-file , rotten and sound , upon my life amounts not to fifteen thousand poll , half of the which dare not shake the snow from off their cassocks lest they shake themselves to pieces .

What shall be done to him ?

Nothing but let him have thanks . ) Demand of him my condition and what credit I have with the Duke .

Well , that’s set down .

You shall demand of him whether one Captain Dumaine be i’ th’ camp , a Frenchman ; what his reputation is with the Duke , what his valor , honesty , and expertness in wars ; or whether he thinks it were not possible with well-weighing sums of gold to corrupt him to a revolt . — What say you to this ? What do you know of it ?

I beseech you let me answer to the particular of the inter’gatories . Demand them singly .

Do you know this Captain Dumaine ?

I know him . He was a botcher’s prentice in Paris , from whence he was whipped for getting the shrieve’s fool with child , a dumb innocent that could not say him nay .

Nay , by your leave , hold your hands , though I know his brains are forfeit to the next tile that falls .

Well , is this captain in the Duke of Florence’s camp ?

Upon my knowledge he is , and lousy .

Nay , look not so upon me . We shall hear of your Lordship anon .

What is his reputation with the Duke ?

The Duke knows him for no other but a poor officer of mine , and writ to me this other day to turn him out o’ th’ band . I think I have his letter in my pocket .

Marry , we’ll search .

In good sadness , I do not know . Either it is there , or it is upon a file with the Duke’s other letters in my tent .

Here ’tis ; here’s a paper . Shall I read it to you ?

I do not know if it be it or no .

Our interpreter does it well .

Excellently .

Dian , the Count’s a fool and full of gold —

That is not the Duke’s letter , sir . That is an advertisement to a proper maid in Florence , one Diana , to take heed of the allurement of one Count Rossillion , a foolish idle boy , but for all that very ruttish . I pray you , sir , put it up again .

Nay , I’ll read it first , by your favor .

My meaning in ’t , I protest , was very honest in the behalf of the maid , for I knew the young count to be a dangerous and lascivious boy , who is a whale to virginity and devours up all the fry it finds .

Damnable both-sides rogue !

Thine , as he vowed to thee in thine ear , Parolles .

He shall be whipped through the army with this rhyme in ’s forehead .

This is your devoted friend , sir , the manifold linguist and the armipotent soldier .

I could endure anything before but a cat , and now he’s a cat to me .

I perceive , sir , by our general’s looks we shall be fain to hang you .

My life , sir , in any case ! Not that I am afraid to die , but that , my offenses being many , I would repent out the remainder of nature . Let me live , sir , in a dungeon , i’ th’ stocks , or anywhere , so I may live .

We’ll see what may be done , so you confess freely . Therefore once more to this Captain Dumaine : you have answered to his reputation with the Duke , and to his valor . What is his honesty ?

He will steal , sir , an egg out of a cloister . For rapes and ravishments , he parallels Nessus . He professes not keeping of oaths . In breaking ’em he is stronger than Hercules . He will lie , sir , with such volubility that you would think truth were a fool . Drunkenness is his best virtue , for he will be swine-drunk , and in his sleep he does little harm , save to his bedclothes about him ; but they know his conditions and lay him in straw . I have but little more to say , sir , of his honesty ; he has everything that an honest man should not have ; what an honest man should have , he has nothing .

I begin to love him for this .

For this description of thine honesty ? A pox upon him ! For me , he’s more and more a cat .

What say you to his expertness in war ?

Faith , sir , has led the drum before the English tragedians . To belie him I will not , and more of his soldiership I know not , except in that country he had the honor to be the officer at a place there called Mile End , to instruct for the doubling of files . I would do the man what honor I can , but of this I am not certain .

He hath out-villained villainy so far that the rarity redeems him .

A pox on him ! He’s a cat still .

His qualities being at this poor price , I need not to ask you if gold will corrupt him to revolt .

Sir , for a cardecu he will sell the fee-simple of his salvation , the inheritance of it , and cut th’ entail from all remainders , and a perpetual succession for it perpetually .

What’s his brother , the other Captain Dumaine ?

Why does he ask him of me ?

What’s he ?

E’en a crow o’ th’ same nest : not altogether so great as the first in goodness , but greater a great deal in evil . He excels his brother for a coward , yet his brother is reputed one of the best that is . In a retreat he outruns any lackey . Marry , in coming on he has the cramp .

If your life be saved , will you undertake to betray the Florentine ?

Ay , and the captain of his horse , Count Rossillion .

I’ll whisper with the General and know his pleasure .

I’ll no more drumming . A plague of all drums ! Only to seem to deserve well , and to beguile the supposition of that lascivious young boy the Count , have I run into this danger . Yet who would have suspected an ambush where I was taken ?

There is no remedy , sir , but you must die . The General says you that have so traitorously discovered the secrets of your army and made such pestiferous reports of men very nobly held can serve the world for no honest use . Therefore you must die . — Come , headsman , off with his head .

O Lord , sir , let me live , or let me see my death !

That shall you , and take your leave of all your friends . So , look about you . Know you any here ?

Good morrow , noble captain .

God bless you , Captain Parolles .

God save you , noble captain .

Captain , what greeting will you to my Lord Lafew ? I am for France .

Good captain , will you give me a copy of the sonnet you writ to Diana in behalf of the Count Rossillion ? An I were not a very coward , I’d compel it of you . But fare you well .

You are undone , captain — all but your scarf ; that has a knot on ’t yet .

Who cannot be crushed with a plot ?

If you could find out a country where but women were that had received so much shame , you might begin an impudent nation . Fare you well , sir . I am for France too . We shall speak of you there .

No , no , no , your son was misled with a snipped-taffeta fellow there , whose villainous saffron would have made all the unbaked and doughy youth of a nation in his color . Your daughter-in-law had been alive at this hour , and your son here at home , more advanced by the King than by that red-tailed humble-bee I speak of .

I would I had not known him . It was the death of the most virtuous gentlewoman that ever nature had praise for creating . If she had partaken of my flesh and cost me the dearest groans of a mother , I could not have owed her a more rooted love .