Hamlet

Who’s there ?

Long live the King !

Barnardo .

He .

Have you had quiet guard ?

Not a mouse stirring .

My lord , my lord !

Lord Hamlet .

Heavens secure him !

So be it .

Illo , ho , ho , my lord !

Hillo , ho , ho , boy ! Come , bird , come !

Swear .

And then , sir , does he this , he does — what was I about to say ? By the Mass , I was about to say something . Where did I leave ?

At “ closes in the consequence , ” at “ friend , or so , ” and “ gentleman . ”

To the celestial , and my soul’s idol , the

most beautified Ophelia —

That’s an ill phrase , a vile phrase ; “ beautified ” is a vile phrase . But you shall hear . Thus :

In her excellent white bosom , these , etc. —

O dear Ophelia , I am ill at these numbers . I have not art to reckon my groans , but that I love thee best , O most best , believe it . Adieu .

Thine evermore , most dear lady , whilst this machine is to him , Hamlet .

Well , God-a-mercy .

Do you know me , my lord ?

Excellent well . You are a fishmonger .

Not I , my lord .

Then I would you were so honest a man .

Honest , my lord ?

Ay , sir . To be honest , as this world goes , is to be one man picked out of ten thousand .

That’s very true , my lord .

For if the sun breed maggots in a dead dog , being a good kissing carrion — Have you a daughter ?

I have , my lord .

Let her not walk i’ th’ sun . Conception is a blessing , but , as your daughter may conceive , friend , look to ’t .

How say you by that ? Still harping on my daughter . Yet he knew me not at first ; he said I was a fishmonger . He is far gone . And truly , in my youth , I suffered much extremity for love , very near this . I’ll speak to him again . — What do you read , my lord ?

Words , words , words .

What is the matter , my lord ?

Between who ?

I mean the matter that you read , my lord .

Slanders , sir ; for the satirical rogue says here that old men have gray beards , that their faces are wrinkled , their eyes purging thick amber and plum-tree gum , and that they have a plentiful lack of wit , together with most weak hams ; all which , sir , though I most powerfully and potently believe , yet I hold it not honesty to have it thus set down ; for yourself , sir , shall grow old as I am , if , like a crab , you could go backward .

Though this be madness , yet there is method in ’t . — Will you walk out of the air , my lord ?

Into my grave ?

Indeed , that’s out of the air . How pregnant sometimes his replies are ! A happiness that often madness hits on , which reason and sanity could not so prosperously be delivered of . I will leave him and suddenly contrive the means of meeting between him and my daughter . — My lord , I will take my leave of you .

You cannot , sir , take from me anything that I will more willingly part withal — except my life , except my life , except my life .

Fare you well , my lord .

These tedious old fools .

You go to seek the Lord Hamlet . There he is .

God save you , sir .

My honored lord .

My most dear lord .

My excellent good friends ! How dost thou , Guildenstern ? Ah , Rosencrantz ! Good lads , how do you both ?

Nor the soles of her shoe ?

Neither , my lord .

Then you live about her waist , or in the middle of her favors ?

Faith , her privates we .

In the secret parts of Fortune ? O , most true ! She is a strumpet . What news ?

None , my lord , but that the world’s grown honest .

Then is doomsday near . But your news is not true . Let me question more in particular . What have you , my good friends , deserved at the hands of Fortune that she sends you to prison hither ?

Prison , my lord ?

Denmark’s a prison .

Then is the world one .

A goodly one , in which there are many confines , wards , and dungeons , Denmark being one o’ th’ worst .

We think not so , my lord .

Why , then , ’tis none to you , for there is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so . To me , it is a prison .

Why , then , your ambition makes it one . ’Tis too narrow for your mind .

O God , I could be bounded in a nutshell and count myself a king of infinite space , were it not that I have bad dreams .

Which dreams , indeed , are ambition , for the very substance of the ambitious is merely the shadow of a dream .

A dream itself is but a shadow .

Truly , and I hold ambition of so airy and light a quality that it is but a shadow’s shadow .

Then are our beggars bodies , and our monarchs and outstretched heroes the beggars’ shadows . Shall we to th’ court ? For , by my fay , I cannot reason .

We’ll wait upon you .

No such matter . I will not sort you with the rest of my servants , for , to speak to you like an honest man , I am most dreadfully attended . But , in the beaten way of friendship , what make you at Elsinore ?

To visit you , my lord , no other occasion .

Beggar that I am , I am even poor in thanks ; but I thank you , and sure , dear friends , my thanks are too dear a halfpenny . Were you not sent for ? Is it your own inclining ? Is it a free visitation ? Come , come , deal justly with me . Come , come ; nay , speak .

What should we say , my lord ?

Anything but to th’ purpose . You were sent for , and there is a kind of confession in your looks which your modesties have not craft enough to color . I know the good king and queen have sent for you .

To what end , my lord ?

That you must teach me . But let me conjure you by the rights of our fellowship , by the consonancy of our youth , by the obligation of our ever-preserved love , and by what more dear a better proposer can charge you withal : be even and direct with me whether you were sent for or no .

What say you ?

Nay , then , I have an eye of you . — If you love me , hold not off .

My lord , we were sent for .

I will tell you why ; so shall my anticipation prevent your discovery , and your secrecy to the King and Queen molt no feather . I have of late , but wherefore I know not , lost all my mirth , forgone all custom of exercises , and , indeed , it goes so heavily with my disposition that this goodly frame , the Earth , seems to me a sterile promontory ; this most excellent canopy , the air , look you , this brave o’erhanging firmament , this majestical roof , fretted with golden fire — why , it appeareth nothing to me but a foul and pestilent congregation of vapors . What a piece of work is a man , how noble in reason , how infinite in faculties , in form and moving how express and admirable ; in action how like an angel , in apprehension how like a god : the beauty of the world , the paragon of animals — and yet , to me , what is this quintessence of dust ? Man delights not me , no , nor women neither , though by your smiling you seem to say so .

My lord , there was no such stuff in my thoughts .

Why did you laugh , then , when I said “ man delights not me ” ?

To think , my lord , if you delight not in man , what Lenten entertainment the players shall receive from you . We coted them on the way , and hither are they coming to offer you service .

He that plays the king shall be welcome — his Majesty shall have tribute on me . The adventurous knight shall use his foil and target , the lover shall not sigh gratis , the humorous man shall end his part in peace , the clown shall make those laugh whose lungs are tickle o’ th’ sear , and the lady shall say her mind freely , or the blank verse shall halt for ’t . What players are they ?

Even those you were wont to take such delight in , the tragedians of the city .

How chances it they travel ? Their residence , both in reputation and profit , was better both ways .

I think their inhibition comes by the means of the late innovation .

Do they hold the same estimation they did when I was in the city ? Are they so followed ?

No , indeed are they not .

How comes it ? Do they grow rusty ?

Nay , their endeavor keeps in the wonted pace . But there is , sir , an aerie of children , little eyases , that cry out on the top of question and are most tyrannically clapped for ’t . These are now the fashion and so berattle the common stages ( so they call them ) that many wearing rapiers are afraid of goose quills and dare scarce come thither .

What , are they children ? Who maintains ’em ? How are they escoted ? Will they pursue the quality no longer than they can sing ? Will they not say afterwards , if they should grow themselves to common players ( as it is most like , if their means are no better ) , their writers do them wrong to make them exclaim against their own succession ?

Faith , there has been much to-do on both sides , and the nation holds it no sin to tar them to controversy . There was for a while no money bid for argument unless the poet and the player went to cuffs in the question .

Is ’t possible ?

O , there has been much throwing about of brains .

Do the boys carry it away ?

Ay , that they do , my lord — Hercules and his load too .

It is not very strange ; for my uncle is King of Denmark , and those that would make mouths at him while my father lived give twenty , forty , fifty , a hundred ducats apiece for his picture in little . ’Sblood , there is something in this more than natural , if philosophy could find it out .

There are the players .

Gentlemen , you are welcome to Elsinore . Your hands , come then . Th’ appurtenance of welcome is fashion and ceremony . Let me comply with you in this garb , lest my extent to the players , which , I tell you , must show fairly outwards , should more appear like entertainment than yours . You are welcome . But my uncle-father and aunt-mother are deceived .

In what , my dear lord ?

I am but mad north-north-west . When the wind is southerly , I know a hawk from a handsaw .

Well be with you , gentlemen .

Hark you , Guildenstern , and you too — at each ear a hearer ! That great baby you see there is not yet out of his swaddling clouts .

Haply he is the second time come to them , for they say an old man is twice a child .

I will prophesy he comes to tell me of the players ; mark it . — You say right , sir , a Monday morning , ’twas then indeed .

My lord , I have news to tell you .

My lord , I have news to tell you : when Roscius was an actor in Rome —

The actors are come hither , my lord .

Buzz , buzz .

Upon my honor —

Then came each actor on his ass .

The best actors in the world , either for tragedy , comedy , history , pastoral , pastoral-comical , historical-pastoral , tragical-historical , tragical-comical-historical-pastoral , scene individable , or poem unlimited . Seneca cannot be too heavy , nor Plautus too light . For the law of writ and the liberty , these are the only men .

O Jephthah , judge of Israel , what a treasure hadst thou !

What a treasure had he , my lord ?

Why ,

Still on my daughter .

Am I not i’ th’ right , old Jephthah ?

If you call me “ Jephthah , ” my lord : I have a daughter that I love passing well .

Nay , that follows not .

What follows then , my lord ?

Why ,

and then , you know ,

the first row of the pious chanson will show you more , for look where my abridgment comes .

You are welcome , masters ; welcome all . — I am glad to see thee well . — Welcome , good friends . — O my old friend ! Why , thy face is valanced since I saw thee last . Com’st thou to beard me in Denmark ? — What , my young lady and mistress ! By ’r Lady , your Ladyship is nearer to heaven than when I saw you last , by the altitude of a chopine . Pray God your voice , like a piece of uncurrent gold , be not cracked within the ring . Masters , you are all welcome . We’ll e’en to ’t like French falconers , fly at anything we see . We’ll have a speech straight . Come , give us a taste of your quality . Come , a passionate speech .

What speech , my good lord ?

I heard thee speak me a speech once , but it was never acted , or , if it was , not above once ; for the play , I remember , pleased not the million : ’twas caviary to the general . But it was ( as I received it , and others whose judgments in such matters cried in the top of mine ) an excellent play , well digested in the scenes , set down with as much modesty as cunning . I remember one said there were no sallets in the lines to make the matter savory , nor no matter in the phrase that might indict the author of affection , but called it an honest method , as wholesome as sweet and , by very much , more handsome than fine . One speech in ’t I chiefly loved . ’Twas Aeneas’ tale to Dido , and thereabout of it especially when he speaks of Priam’s slaughter . If it live in your memory , begin at this line — let me see , let me see :

’tis not so ; it begins with Pyrrhus :

So , proceed you .

’Fore God , my lord , well spoken , with good accent and good discretion .

This is too long .

It shall to the barber’s with your beard . — Prithee say on . He’s for a jig or a tale of bawdry , or he sleeps . Say on ; come to Hecuba .

“ The moblèd queen ” ?

That’s good . “ Moblèd queen ” is good .

Look whe’er he has not turned his color and has tears in ’s eyes . Prithee , no more .

’Tis well . I’ll have thee speak out the rest of this soon . — Good my lord , will you see the players well bestowed ? Do you hear , let them be well used , for they are the abstract and brief chronicles of the time . After your death you were better have a bad epitaph than their ill report while you live .

My lord , I will use them according to their desert .

God’s bodykins , man , much better ! Use every man after his desert and who shall ’scape whipping ? Use them after your own honor and dignity . The less they deserve , the more merit is in your bounty . Take them in .

Come , sirs .

Follow him , friends . We’ll hear a play tomorrow .

Dost thou hear me , old friend ? Can you play “ The Murder of Gonzago ” ?

Ay , my lord .

We’ll ha ’t tomorrow night . You could , for a need , study a speech of some dozen or sixteen lines , which I would set down and insert in ’t , could you not ?

Ay , my lord .

Very well . Follow that lord — and look you mock him not . My good friends , I’ll leave you till night . You are welcome to Elsinore .

Good my lord .

Ha , ha , are you honest ?

My lord ?

Are you fair ?

What means your Lordship ?

That if you be honest and fair , your honesty should admit no discourse to your beauty .

Could beauty , my lord , have better commerce than with honesty ?

Ay , truly , for the power of beauty will sooner transform honesty from what it is to a bawd than the force of honesty can translate beauty into his likeness . This was sometime a paradox , but now the time gives it proof . I did love you once .

Indeed , my lord , you made me believe so .

You should not have believed me , for virtue cannot so inoculate our old stock but we shall relish of it . I loved you not .

I was the more deceived .

Get thee to a nunnery . Why wouldst thou be a breeder of sinners ? I am myself indifferent honest , but yet I could accuse me of such things that it were better my mother had not borne me : I am very proud , revengeful , ambitious , with more offenses at my beck than I have thoughts to put them in , imagination to give them shape , or time to act them in . What should such fellows as I do crawling between earth and heaven ? We are arrant knaves all ; believe none of us . Go thy ways to a nunnery . Where’s your father ?

At home , my lord .

Let the doors be shut upon him that he may play the fool nowhere but in ’s own house . Farewell .

O , help him , you sweet heavens !

If thou dost marry , I’ll give thee this plague for thy dowry : be thou as chaste as ice , as pure as snow , thou shalt not escape calumny . Get thee to a nunnery , farewell . Or if thou wilt needs marry , marry a fool , for wise men know well enough what monsters you make of them . To a nunnery , go , and quickly too . Farewell .

Heavenly powers , restore him !

I have heard of your paintings too , well enough . God hath given you one face , and you make yourselves another . You jig and amble , and you lisp ; you nickname God’s creatures and make your wantonness your ignorance . Go to , I’ll no more on ’t . It hath made me mad . I say we will have no more marriage . Those that are married already , all but one , shall live . The rest shall keep as they are . To a nunnery , go .

Speak the speech , I pray you , as I pronounced it to you , trippingly on the tongue ; but if you mouth it , as many of our players do , I had as lief the town-crier spoke my lines . Nor do not saw the air too much with your hand , thus , but use all gently ; for in the very torrent , tempest , and , as I may say , whirlwind of your passion , you must acquire and beget a temperance that may give it smoothness . O , it offends me to the soul to hear a robustious , periwig-pated fellow tear a passion to tatters , to very rags , to split the ears of the groundlings , who for the most part are capable of nothing but inexplicable dumb shows and noise . I would have such a fellow whipped for o’erdoing Termagant . It out-Herods Herod . Pray you , avoid it .

I warrant your Honor .

Be not too tame neither , but let your own discretion be your tutor . Suit the action to the word , the word to the action , with this special observance , that you o’erstep not the modesty of nature . For anything so o’erdone is from the purpose of playing , whose end , both at the first and now , was and is to hold , as ’twere , the mirror up to nature , to show virtue her own feature , scorn her own image , and the very age and body of the time his form and pressure . Now this overdone or come tardy off , though it makes the unskillful laugh , cannot but make the judicious grieve , the censure of the which one must in your allowance o’erweigh a whole theater of others . O , there be players that I have seen play and heard others praise ( and that highly ) , not to speak it profanely , that , neither having th’ accent of Christians nor the gait of Christian , pagan , nor man , have so strutted and bellowed that I have thought some of nature’s journeymen had made men , and not made them well , they imitated humanity so abominably .

I hope we have reformed that indifferently with us , sir .

O , reform it altogether . And let those that play your clowns speak no more than is set down for them , for there be of them that will themselves laugh , to set on some quantity of barren spectators to laugh too , though in the meantime some necessary question of the play be then to be considered . That’s villainous and shows a most pitiful ambition in the fool that uses it . Go make you ready .

How now , my lord , will the King hear this piece of work ?

And the Queen too , and that presently .

Bid the players make haste .

Will you two help to hasten them ?

Ay , my lord .

What ho , Horatio !

Here , sweet lord , at your service .

They are coming to the play . I must be idle . Get you a place .

How fares our cousin Hamlet ?

Excellent , i’ faith , of the chameleon’s dish . I eat the air , promise-crammed . You cannot feed capons so .

I have nothing with this answer , Hamlet . These words are not mine .

No , nor mine now . My lord , you played once i’ th’ university , you say ?

That did I , my lord , and was accounted a good actor .

What did you enact ?

I did enact Julius Caesar . I was killed i’ th’ Capitol . Brutus killed me .

It was a brute part of him to kill so capital a calf there . — Be the players ready ?

Ay , my lord . They stay upon your patience .

Come hither , my dear Hamlet , sit by me .

No , good mother . Here’s metal more attractive .

Oh , ho ! Do you mark that ?

Lady , shall I lie in your lap ?

No , my lord .

I mean , my head upon your lap ?

Ay , my lord .

Do you think I meant country matters ?

I think nothing , my lord .

That’s a fair thought to lie between maids’ legs .

What is , my lord ?

Nothing .

You are merry , my lord .

Who , I ?

Ay , my lord .

O God , your only jig-maker . What should a man do but be merry ? For look you how cheerfully my mother looks , and my father died within ’s two hours .

Nay , ’tis twice two months , my lord .

So long ? Nay , then , let the devil wear black , for I’ll have a suit of sables . O heavens , die two months ago , and not forgotten yet ? Then there’s hope a great man’s memory may outlive his life half a year . But , by ’r Lady , he must build churches , then , or else shall he suffer not thinking on , with the hobby-horse , whose epitaph is “ For oh , for oh , the hobby-horse is forgot . ”

What means this , my lord ?

Marry , this is miching mallecho . It means mischief .

Belike this show imports the argument of the play .

We shall know by this fellow . The players cannot keep counsel ; they’ll tell all .

Will he tell us what this show meant ?

Ay , or any show that you will show him . Be not you ashamed to show , he’ll not shame to tell you what it means .

You are naught , you are naught . I’ll mark the play .

Is this a prologue or the posy of a ring ?

’Tis brief , my lord .

As woman’s love .

That’s wormwood !

If she should break it now !

Madam , how like you this play ?

The lady doth protest too much , methinks .

O , but she’ll keep her word .

Have you heard the argument ? Is there no offense in ’t ?

No , no , they do but jest , poison in jest . No offense i’ th’ world .

What do you call the play ?

“ The Mousetrap . ” Marry , how ? Tropically . This play is the image of a murder done in Vienna . Gonzago is the duke’s name , his wife Baptista . You shall see anon . ’Tis a knavish piece of work , but what of that ? Your Majesty and we that have free souls , it touches us not . Let the galled jade wince ; our withers are unwrung .

This is one Lucianus , nephew to the king .

You are as good as a chorus , my lord .

I could interpret between you and your love , if I could see the puppets dallying .

You are keen , my lord , you are keen .

It would cost you a groaning to take off mine edge .

Still better and worse .

So you mis-take your husbands . — Begin , murderer . Pox , leave thy damnable faces and begin . Come , the croaking raven doth bellow for revenge .

He poisons him i’ th’ garden for his estate . His name’s Gonzago . The story is extant and written in very choice Italian . You shall see anon how the murderer gets the love of Gonzago’s wife .

The King rises .

What , frighted with false fire ?

How fares my lord ?

Give o’er the play .

Give me some light . Away !

Lights , lights , lights !

Would not this , sir , and a forest of feathers ( if the rest of my fortunes turn Turk with me ) with two Provincial roses on my razed shoes , get me a fellowship in a cry of players ?

Half a share .

A whole one , I .

You might have rhymed .

O good Horatio , I’ll take the ghost’s word for a thousand pound . Didst perceive ?

Very well , my lord .

Upon the talk of the poisoning ?

I did very well note him .

Ah ha ! Come , some music ! Come , the recorders !

Come , some music !

Good my lord , vouchsafe me a word with you .

Sir , a whole history .

The King , sir —

Ay , sir , what of him ?

Is in his retirement marvelous distempered .

With drink , sir ?

No , my lord , with choler .

Your wisdom should show itself more richer to signify this to the doctor , for for me to put him to his purgation would perhaps plunge him into more choler .

Good my lord , put your discourse into some frame and start not so wildly from my affair .

I am tame , sir . Pronounce .

The Queen your mother , in most great affliction of spirit , hath sent me to you .

You are welcome .

Nay , good my lord , this courtesy is not of the right breed . If it shall please you to make me a wholesome answer , I will do your mother’s commandment . If not , your pardon and my return shall be the end of my business .

Sir , I cannot .

What , my lord ?

Make you a wholesome answer . My wit’s diseased . But , sir , such answer as I can make , you shall command — or , rather , as you say , my mother . Therefore no more but to the matter . My mother , you say —

Then thus she says : your behavior hath struck her into amazement and admiration .

O wonderful son that can so ’stonish a mother ! But is there no sequel at the heels of this mother’s admiration ? Impart .

She desires to speak with you in her closet ere you go to bed .

We shall obey , were she ten times our mother . Have you any further trade with us ?

My lord , you once did love me .

And do still , by these pickers and stealers .

Good my lord , what is your cause of distemper ? You do surely bar the door upon your own liberty if you deny your griefs to your friend .

Sir , I lack advancement .

How can that be , when you have the voice of the King himself for your succession in Denmark ?

Ay , sir , but “ While the grass grows ” — the proverb is something musty .

O , the recorders ! Let me see one .

To withdraw with you : why do you go about to recover the wind of me , as if you would drive me into a toil ?

O , my lord , if my duty be too bold , my love is too unmannerly .

I do not well understand that . Will you play upon this pipe ?

My lord , I cannot .

I pray you .

Believe me , I cannot .

I do beseech you .

I know no touch of it , my lord .

It is as easy as lying . Govern these ventages with your fingers and thumb , give it breath with your mouth , and it will discourse most eloquent music . Look you , these are the stops .

But these cannot I command to any utt’rance of harmony . I have not the skill .

Why , look you now , how unworthy a thing you make of me ! You would play upon me , you would seem to know my stops , you would pluck out the heart of my mystery , you would sound me from my lowest note to the top of my compass ; and there is much music , excellent voice , in this little organ , yet cannot you make it speak . ’Sblood , do you think I am easier to be played on than a pipe ? Call me what instrument you will , though you can fret me , you cannot play upon me .

God bless you , sir .

My lord , the Queen would speak with you , and presently .

Do you see yonder cloud that’s almost in shape of a camel ?

By th’ Mass , and ’tis like a camel indeed .

Methinks it is like a weasel .

It is backed like a weasel .

Or like a whale .

Very like a whale .

Then I will come to my mother by and by . They fool me to the top of my bent . — I will come by and by .

I will say so .

“ By and by ” is easily said . Leave me , friends .