Much Ado about Nothing

I learn in this letter that Don Pedro of Aragon comes this night to Messina .

He is very near by this . He was not three leagues off when I left him .

How many gentlemen have you lost in this action ?

But few of any sort , and none of name .

A victory is twice itself when the achiever brings home full numbers . I find here that Don Pedro hath bestowed much honor on a young Florentine called Claudio .

Much deserved on his part , and equally remembered by Don Pedro . He hath borne himself beyond the promise of his age , doing in the figure of a lamb the feats of a lion . He hath indeed better bettered expectation than you must expect of me to tell you how .

He hath an uncle here in Messina will be very much glad of it .

I have already delivered him letters , and there appears much joy in him , even so much that joy could not show itself modest enough without a badge of bitterness .

Did he break out into tears ?

In great measure .

A kind overflow of kindness . There are no faces truer than those that are so washed . How much better is it to weep at joy than to joy at weeping !

I pray you , is Signior Mountanto returned from the wars or no ?

I know none of that name , lady . There was none such in the army of any sort .

What is he that you ask for , niece ?

My cousin means Signior Benedick of Padua .

O , he’s returned , and as pleasant as ever he was .

He set up his bills here in Messina and challenged Cupid at the flight , and my uncle’s Fool , reading the challenge , subscribed for Cupid and challenged him at the bird-bolt . I pray you , how many hath he killed and eaten in these wars ? But how many hath he killed ? For indeed I promised to eat all of his killing .

Faith , niece , you tax Signior Benedick too much , but he’ll be meet with you , I doubt it not .

He hath done good service , lady , in these wars .

You had musty victual , and he hath holp to eat it . He is a very valiant trencherman ; he hath an excellent stomach .

And a good soldier too , lady .

And a good soldier to a lady , but what is he to a lord ?

A lord to a lord , a man to a man , stuffed with all honorable virtues .

It is so indeed . He is no less than a stuffed man , but for the stuffing — well , we are all mortal .

You must not , sir , mistake my niece . There is a kind of merry war betwixt Signior Benedick and her . They never meet but there’s a skirmish of wit between them .

Alas , he gets nothing by that . In our last conflict , four of his five wits went halting off , and now is the whole man governed with one , so that if he have wit enough to keep himself warm , let him bear it for a difference between himself and his horse , for it is all the wealth that he hath left to be known a reasonable creature . Who is his companion now ? He hath every month a new sworn brother .

Is ’t possible ?

Very easily possible . He wears his faith but as the fashion of his hat ; it ever changes with the next block .

I see , lady , the gentleman is not in your books .

No . An he were , I would burn my study . But I pray you , who is his companion ? Is there no young squarer now that will make a voyage with him to the devil ?

He is most in the company of the right noble Claudio .

O Lord , he will hang upon him like a disease ! He is sooner caught than the pestilence , and the taker runs presently mad . God help the noble Claudio ! If he have caught the Benedick , it will cost him a thousand pound ere he be cured .

I will hold friends with you , lady .

Do , good friend .

You will never run mad , niece .

No , not till a hot January .

Don Pedro is approached .

Good Signior Leonato , are you come to meet your trouble ? The fashion of the world is to avoid cost , and you encounter it .

Never came trouble to my house in the likeness of your Grace , for trouble being gone , comfort should remain , but when you depart from me , sorrow abides and happiness takes his leave .

You embrace your charge too willingly .

I think this is your daughter .

Her mother hath many times told me so .

Were you in doubt , sir , that you asked her ?

Signior Benedick , no , for then were you a child .

You have it full , Benedick . We may guess by this what you are , being a man . Truly the lady fathers herself . — Be happy , lady , for you are like an honorable father .

If Signior Leonato be her father , she would not have his head on her shoulders for all Messina , as like him as she is .

I wonder that you will still be talking , Signior Benedick , nobody marks you .

What , my dear Lady Disdain ! Are you yet living ?

Is it possible disdain should die while she hath such meet food to feed it as Signior Benedick ? Courtesy itself must convert to disdain if you come in her presence .

Then is courtesy a turncoat . But it is certain I am loved of all ladies , only you excepted ; and I would I could find in my heart that I had not a hard heart , for truly I love none .

A dear happiness to women . They would else have been troubled with a pernicious suitor . I thank God and my cold blood I am of your humor for that . I had rather hear my dog bark at a crow than a man swear he loves me .

God keep your Ladyship still in that mind , so some gentleman or other shall ’scape a predestinate scratched face .

Scratching could not make it worse an ’twere such a face as yours were .

Well , you are a rare parrot-teacher .

A bird of my tongue is better than a beast of yours .

I would my horse had the speed of your tongue and so good a continuer , but keep your way , i’ God’s name , I have done .

You always end with a jade’s trick . I know you of old .

That is the sum of all , Leonato . — Signior Claudio and Signior Benedick , my dear friend Leonato hath invited you all . I tell him we shall stay here at the least a month , and he heartily prays some occasion may detain us longer . I dare swear he is no hypocrite , but prays from his heart .

If you swear , my lord , you shall not be forsworn . Let me bid you welcome , my lord , being reconciled to the Prince your brother , I owe you all duty .

I thank you . I am not of many words , but I thank you .

Please it your Grace lead on ?

Your hand , Leonato . We will go together .

Benedick , didst thou note the daughter of Signior Leonato ?

I noted her not , but I looked on her .

Is she not a modest young lady ?

Do you question me as an honest man should do , for my simple true judgment ? Or would you have me speak after my custom , as being a professed tyrant to their sex ?

No , I pray thee , speak in sober judgment .

Why , i’ faith , methinks she’s too low for a high praise , too brown for a fair praise , and too little for a great praise . Only this commendation I can afford her , that were she other than she is , she were unhandsome , and being no other but as she is , I do not like her .

Thou thinkest I am in sport . I pray thee tell me truly how thou lik’st her .

Would you buy her that you enquire after her ?

Can the world buy such a jewel ?

Yea , and a case to put it into . But speak you this with a sad brow ? Or do you play the flouting jack , to tell us Cupid is a good hare-finder and Vulcan a rare carpenter ? Come , in what key shall a man take you to go in the song ?

In mine eye she is the sweetest lady that ever I looked on .

I can see yet without spectacles , and I see no such matter . There’s her cousin , an she were not possessed with a fury , exceeds her as much in beauty as the first of May doth the last of December . But I hope you have no intent to turn husband , have you ?

I would scarce trust myself , though I had sworn the contrary , if Hero would be my wife .

Is ’t come to this ? In faith , hath not the world one man but he will wear his cap with suspicion ? Shall I never see a bachelor of threescore again ? Go to , i’ faith , an thou wilt needs thrust thy neck into a yoke , wear the print of it , and sigh away Sundays . Look , Don Pedro is returned to seek you .

What secret hath held you here that you followed not to Leonato’s ?

I would your Grace would constrain me to tell .

I charge thee on thy allegiance .

You hear , Count Claudio , I can be secret as a dumb man , I would have you think so , but on my allegiance — mark you this , on my allegiance — he is in love . With who ? Now , that is your Grace’s part . Mark how short his answer is : with Hero , Leonato’s short daughter .

If this were so , so were it uttered .

Like the old tale , my lord : “ It is not so , nor ’twas not so , but , indeed , God forbid it should be so . ”

If my passion change not shortly , God forbid it should be otherwise .

Amen , if you love her , for the lady is very well worthy .

You speak this to fetch me in , my lord .

By my troth , I speak my thought .

And in faith , my lord , I spoke mine .

And by my two faiths and troths , my lord , I spoke mine .

That I love her , I feel .

That she is worthy , I know .

That I neither feel how she should be loved nor know how she should be worthy is the opinion that fire cannot melt out of me . I will die in it at the stake .

Thou wast ever an obstinate heretic in the despite of beauty .

And never could maintain his part but in the force of his will .

That a woman conceived me , I thank her ; that she brought me up , I likewise give her most humble thanks . But that I will have a recheat winded in my forehead or hang my bugle in an invisible baldrick , all women shall pardon me . Because I will not do them the wrong to mistrust any , I will do myself the right to trust none . And the fine is , for the which I may go the finer , I will live a bachelor .

I shall see thee , ere I die , look pale with love .

With anger , with sickness , or with hunger , my lord , not with love . Prove that ever I lose more blood with love than I will get again with drinking , pick out mine eyes with a ballad-maker’s pen and hang me up at the door of a brothel house for the sign of blind Cupid .

Well , if ever thou dost fall from this faith , thou wilt prove a notable argument .

If I do , hang me in a bottle like a cat and shoot at me , and he that hits me , let him be clapped on the shoulder and called Adam .

Well , as time shall try . In time the savage bull doth bear the yoke .

The savage bull may , but if ever the sensible Benedick bear it , pluck off the bull’s horns and set them in my forehead , and let me be vilely painted , and in such great letters as they write “ Here is good horse to hire ” let them signify under my sign “ Here you may see Benedick the married man . ”

If this should ever happen , thou wouldst be horn-mad .

Nay , if Cupid have not spent all his quiver in Venice , thou wilt quake for this shortly .

I look for an earthquake too , then .

Well , you will temporize with the hours . In the meantime , good Signior Benedick , repair to Leonato’s . Commend me to him , and tell him I will not fail him at supper , for indeed he hath made great preparation .

I have almost matter enough in me for such an embassage , and so I commit you —

To the tuition of God . From my house , if I had it —

The sixth of July . Your loving friend , Benedick .

Nay , mock not , mock not . The body of your discourse is sometimes guarded with fragments , and the guards are but slightly basted on neither . Ere you flout old ends any further , examine your conscience . And so I leave you .

How now , brother , where is my cousin , your son ? Hath he provided this music ?

He is very busy about it . But , brother , I can tell you strange news that you yet dreamt not of .

Are they good ?

As the events stamps them , but they have a good cover ; they show well outward . The Prince and Count Claudio , walking in a thick-pleached alley in mine orchard , were thus much overheard by a man of mine : the Prince discovered to Claudio that he loved my niece your daughter and meant to acknowledge it this night in a dance , and if he found her accordant , he meant to take the present time by the top and instantly break with you of it .

Hath the fellow any wit that told you this ?

A good sharp fellow . I will send for him , and question him yourself .

No , no , we will hold it as a dream till it appear itself . But I will acquaint my daughter withal , that she may be the better prepared for an answer , if peradventure this be true . Go you and tell her of it .

Cousins , you know what you have to do . — O , I cry you mercy , friend . Go you with me and I will use your skill . — Good cousin , have a care this busy time .

What the goodyear , my lord , why are you thus out of measure sad ?

There is no measure in the occasion that breeds . Therefore the sadness is without limit .

You should hear reason .

And when I have heard it , what blessing brings it ?

If not a present remedy , at least a patient sufferance .

I wonder that thou , being , as thou sayst thou art , born under Saturn , goest about to apply a moral medicine to a mortifying mischief . I cannot hide what I am . I must be sad when I have cause , and smile at no man’s jests ; eat when I have stomach , and wait for no man’s leisure ; sleep when I am drowsy , and tend on no man’s business ; laugh when I am merry , and claw no man in his humor .

Yea , but you must not make the full show of this till you may do it without controlment . You have of late stood out against your brother , and he hath ta’en you newly into his grace , where it is impossible you should take true root but by the fair weather that you make yourself . It is needful that you frame the season for your own harvest .

I had rather be a canker in a hedge than a rose in his grace , and it better fits my blood to be disdained of all than to fashion a carriage to rob love from any . In this , though I cannot be said to be a flattering honest man , it must not be denied but I am a plain-dealing villain . I am trusted with a muzzle and enfranchised with a clog ; therefore I have decreed not to sing in my cage . If I had my mouth , I would bite ; if I had my liberty , I would do my liking . In the meantime , let me be that I am , and seek not to alter me .

Can you make no use of your discontent ?

I make all use of it , for I use it only . Who comes here ?

What news , Borachio ?

I came yonder from a great supper . The Prince your brother is royally entertained by Leonato , and I can give you intelligence of an intended marriage .

Will it serve for any model to build mischief on ? What is he for a fool that betroths himself to unquietness ?

Marry , it is your brother’s right hand .

Who , the most exquisite Claudio ?

Even he .

A proper squire . And who , and who ? Which way looks he ?

Marry , on Hero , the daughter and heir of Leonato .

A very forward March chick ! How came you to this ?

Being entertained for a perfumer , as I was smoking a musty room , comes me the Prince and Claudio , hand in hand , in sad conference . I whipped me behind the arras , and there heard it agreed upon that the Prince should woo Hero for himself , and having obtained her , give her to Count Claudio .

Come , come , let us thither . This may prove food to my displeasure . That young start-up hath all the glory of my overthrow . If I can cross him any way , I bless myself every way . You are both sure , and will assist me ?

To the death , my lord .

Let us to the great supper . Their cheer is the greater that I am subdued . Would the cook were o’ my mind ! Shall we go prove what’s to be done ?

We’ll wait upon your Lordship .

Was not Count John here at supper ?

I saw him not .

How tartly that gentleman looks ! I never can see him but I am heartburned an hour after .

He is of a very melancholy disposition .

He were an excellent man that were made just in the midway between him and Benedick . The one is too like an image and says nothing , and the other too like my lady’s eldest son , evermore tattling .

Then half Signior Benedick’s tongue in Count John’s mouth , and half Count John’s melancholy in Signior Benedick’s face —

With a good leg and a good foot , uncle , and money enough in his purse , such a man would win any woman in the world if he could get her goodwill .

By my troth , niece , thou wilt never get thee a husband if thou be so shrewd of thy tongue .

In faith , she’s too curst .

Too curst is more than curst . I shall lessen God’s sending that way , for it is said “ God sends a curst cow short horns , ” but to a cow too curst , he sends none .

So , by being too curst , God will send you no horns .

Just , if He send me no husband , for the which blessing I am at Him upon my knees every morning and evening . Lord , I could not endure a husband with a beard on his face . I had rather lie in the woolen !

You may light on a husband that hath no beard .

What should I do with him ? Dress him in my apparel and make him my waiting gentlewoman ? He that hath a beard is more than a youth , and he that hath no beard is less than a man ; and he that is more than a youth is not for me , and he that is less than a man , I am not for him . Therefore I will even take sixpence in earnest of the bearherd , and lead his apes into hell .

Well then , go you into hell ?

No , but to the gate , and there will the devil meet me like an old cuckold with horns on his head , and say “ Get you to heaven , Beatrice , get you to heaven ; here’s no place for you maids . ” So deliver I up my apes and away to Saint Peter ; for the heavens , he shows me where the bachelors sit , and there live we as merry as the day is long .

Well , niece , I trust you will be ruled by your father .

Yes , faith , it is my cousin’s duty to make curtsy and say “ Father , as it please you . ” But yet for all that , cousin , let him be a handsome fellow , or else make another curtsy and say “ Father , as it please me . ”

Well , niece , I hope to see you one day fitted with a husband .

Not till God make men of some other metal than earth . Would it not grieve a woman to be overmastered with a piece of valiant dust ? To make an account of her life to a clod of wayward marl ? No , uncle , I’ll none . Adam’s sons are my brethren , and truly I hold it a sin to match in my kindred .

Daughter , remember what I told you . If the Prince do solicit you in that kind , you know your answer .

The fault will be in the music , cousin , if you be not wooed in good time . If the Prince be too important , tell him there is measure in everything , and so dance out the answer . For hear me , Hero , wooing , wedding , and repenting is as a Scotch jig , a measure , and a cinquepace . The first suit is hot and hasty like a Scotch jig , and full as fantastical ; the wedding , mannerly modest as a measure , full of state and ancientry ; and then comes repentance , and with his bad legs falls into the cinquepace faster and faster till he sink into his grave .

Cousin , you apprehend passing shrewdly .

I have a good eye , uncle ; I can see a church by daylight .

The revelers are entering , brother . Make good room .

Lady , will you walk a bout with your friend ?

So you walk softly , and look sweetly , and say nothing , I am yours for the walk , and especially when I walk away .

With me in your company ?

I may say so when I please .

And when please you to say so ?

When I like your favor , for God defend the lute should be like the case .

My visor is Philemon’s roof ; within the house is Jove .

Why , then , your visor should be thatched .

Speak low if you speak love .

Well , I would you did like me .

So would not I for your own sake , for I have many ill qualities .

Which is one ?

I say my prayers aloud .

I love you the better ; the hearers may cry “ Amen . ”

God match me with a good dancer .

Amen .

And God keep him out of my sight when the dance is done . Answer , clerk .

No more words . The clerk is answered .

I know you well enough . You are Signior Antonio .

At a word , I am not .

I know you by the waggling of your head .

To tell you true , I counterfeit him .

You could never do him so ill-well unless you were the very man . Here’s his dry hand up and down . You are he , you are he .

At a word , I am not .

Come , come , do you think I do not know you by your excellent wit ? Can virtue hide itself ? Go to , mum , you are he . Graces will appear , and there’s an end .

Will you not tell me who told you so ?

No , you shall pardon me .

Nor will you not tell me who you are ?

Not now .

That I was disdainful , and that I had my good wit out of The Hundred Merry Tales ! Well , this was Signior Benedick that said so .

What’s he ?

I am sure you know him well enough .

Not I , believe me .

Did he never make you laugh ?

I pray you , what is he ?

Why , he is the Prince’s jester , a very dull fool ; only his gift is in devising impossible slanders . None but libertines delight in him , and the commendation is not in his wit but in his villainy , for he both pleases men and angers them , and then they laugh at him and beat him . I am sure he is in the fleet . I would he had boarded me .

When I know the gentleman , I’ll tell him what you say .

Do , do . He’ll but break a comparison or two on me , which peradventure not marked or not laughed at strikes him into melancholy , and then there’s a partridge wing saved , for the fool will eat no supper that night . We must follow the leaders .

In every good thing .

Nay , if they lead to any ill , I will leave them at the next turning .

Sure my brother is amorous on Hero , and hath withdrawn her father to break with him about it . The ladies follow her , and but one visor remains .

And that is Claudio . I know him by his bearing .

Are not you Signior Benedick ?

You know me well . I am he .

Signior , you are very near my brother in his love . He is enamored on Hero . I pray you dissuade him from her . She is no equal for his birth . You may do the part of an honest man in it .

How know you he loves her ?

I heard him swear his affection .

So did I too , and he swore he would marry her tonight .

Come , let us to the banquet .

Count Claudio ?

Yea , the same .

Come , will you go with me ?

Whither ?

Even to the next willow , about your own business , county . What fashion will you wear the garland of ? About your neck like an usurer’s chain ? Or under your arm like a lieutenant’s scarf ? You must wear it one way , for the Prince hath got your Hero .

I wish him joy of her .

Why , that’s spoken like an honest drover ; so they sell bullocks . But did you think the Prince would have served you thus ?

I pray you , leave me .

Ho , now you strike like the blind man . ’Twas the boy that stole your meat , and you’ll beat the post .

If it will not be , I’ll leave you .

Alas , poor hurt fowl , now will he creep into sedges . But that my Lady Beatrice should know me , and not know me ! The Prince’s fool ! Ha , it may be I go under that title because I am merry . Yea , but so I am apt to do myself wrong . I am not so reputed ! It is the base , though bitter , disposition of Beatrice that puts the world into her person and so gives me out . Well , I’ll be revenged as I may .

Now , signior , where’s the Count ? Did you see him ?

Troth , my lord , I have played the part of Lady Fame . I found him here as melancholy as a lodge in a warren . I told him , and I think I told him true , that your Grace had got the goodwill of this young lady , and I offered him my company to a willow tree , either to make him a garland , as being forsaken , or to bind him up a rod , as being worthy to be whipped .

To be whipped ? What’s his fault ?

The flat transgression of a schoolboy who , being overjoyed with finding a bird’s nest , shows it his companion , and he steals it .

Wilt thou make a trust a transgression ? The transgression is in the stealer .

Yet it had not been amiss the rod had been made , and the garland too , for the garland he might have worn himself , and the rod he might have bestowed on you , who , as I take it , have stolen his bird’s nest .

I will but teach them to sing and restore them to the owner .

If their singing answer your saying , by my faith , you say honestly .

The Lady Beatrice hath a quarrel to you . The gentleman that danced with her told her she is much wronged by you .

O , she misused me past the endurance of a block ! An oak but with one green leaf on it would have answered her . My very visor began to assume life and scold with her . She told me , not thinking I had been myself , that I was the Prince’s jester , that I was duller than a great thaw , huddling jest upon jest with such impossible conveyance upon me that I stood like a man at a mark with a whole army shooting at me . She speaks poniards , and every word stabs . If her breath were as terrible as her terminations , there were no living near her ; she would infect to the North Star . I would not marry her though she were endowed with all that Adam had left him before he transgressed . She would have made Hercules have turned spit , yea , and have cleft his club to make the fire , too . Come , talk not of her . You shall find her the infernal Ate in good apparel . I would to God some scholar would conjure her , for certainly , while she is here , a man may live as quiet in hell as in a sanctuary , and people sin upon purpose because they would go thither . So indeed all disquiet , horror , and perturbation follows her .

Look , here she comes .

Will your Grace command me any service to the world’s end ? I will go on the slightest errand now to the Antipodes that you can devise to send me on . I will fetch you a toothpicker now from the furthest inch of Asia , bring you the length of Prester John’s foot , fetch you a hair off the great Cham’s beard , do you any embassage to the Pygmies , rather than hold three words’ conference with this harpy . You have no employment for me ?

None but to desire your good company .

O God , sir , here’s a dish I love not ! I cannot endure my Lady Tongue .

Come , lady , come , you have lost the heart of Signior Benedick .

Indeed , my lord , he lent it me awhile , and I gave him use for it , a double heart for his single one . Marry , once before he won it of me with false dice . Therefore your Grace may well say I have lost it .

You have put him down , lady , you have put him down .

So I would not he should do me , my lord , lest I should prove the mother of fools . I have brought Count Claudio , whom you sent me to seek .

Why , how now , count , wherefore are you sad ?

Not sad , my lord .

How then , sick ?

Neither , my lord .

The Count is neither sad , nor sick , nor merry , nor well , but civil count , civil as an orange , and something of that jealous complexion .

I’ faith , lady , I think your blazon to be true , though I’ll be sworn , if he be so , his conceit is false . — Here , Claudio , I have wooed in thy name , and fair Hero is won . I have broke with her father and his goodwill obtained . Name the day of marriage , and God give thee joy .

Count , take of me my daughter , and with her my fortunes . His Grace hath made the match , and all grace say “ Amen ” to it .

Speak , count , ’tis your cue .

Silence is the perfectest herald of joy . I were but little happy if I could say how much . — Lady , as you are mine , I am yours . I give away myself for you and dote upon the exchange .

Speak , cousin , or , if you cannot , stop his mouth with a kiss and let not him speak neither .

In faith , lady , you have a merry heart .

Yea , my lord . I thank it , poor fool , it keeps on the windy side of care . My cousin tells him in his ear that he is in her heart .

And so she doth , cousin .

Good Lord for alliance ! Thus goes everyone to the world but I , and I am sunburnt . I may sit in a corner and cry “ Heigh-ho for a husband ! ”

Lady Beatrice , I will get you one .

I would rather have one of your father’s getting . Hath your Grace ne’er a brother like you ? Your father got excellent husbands , if a maid could come by them .

Will you have me , lady ?

No , my lord , unless I might have another for working days . Your Grace is too costly to wear every day . But I beseech your Grace pardon me . I was born to speak all mirth and no matter .

Your silence most offends me , and to be merry best becomes you , for out o’ question you were born in a merry hour .

No , sure , my lord , my mother cried , but then there was a star danced , and under that was I born . — Cousins , God give you joy !

Niece , will you look to those things I told you of ?

I cry you mercy , uncle . — By your Grace’s pardon .

By my troth , a pleasant-spirited lady .

There’s little of the melancholy element in her , my lord . She is never sad but when she sleeps , and not ever sad then , for I have heard my daughter say she hath often dreamt of unhappiness and waked herself with laughing .

She cannot endure to hear tell of a husband .

O , by no means . She mocks all her wooers out of suit .

She were an excellent wife for Benedick .

O Lord , my lord , if they were but a week married , they would talk themselves mad .

County Claudio , when mean you to go to church ?

Tomorrow , my lord . Time goes on crutches till love have all his rites .

Not till Monday , my dear son , which is hence a just sevennight , and a time too brief , too , to have all things answer my mind .

Come , you shake the head at so long a breathing , but I warrant thee , Claudio , the time shall not go dully by us . I will in the interim undertake one of Hercules’ labors , which is to bring Signior Benedick and the Lady Beatrice into a mountain of affection , th’ one with th’ other . I would fain have it a match , and I doubt not but to fashion it , if you three will but minister such assistance as I shall give you direction .

My lord , I am for you , though it cost me ten nights’ watchings .

And I , my lord .

And you too , gentle Hero ?

I will do any modest office , my lord , to help my cousin to a good husband .

And Benedick is not the unhopefullest husband that I know . Thus far can I praise him : he is of a noble strain , of approved valor , and confirmed honesty . I will teach you how to humor your cousin that she shall fall in love with Benedick . — And I , with your two helps , will so practice on Benedick that , in despite of his quick wit and his queasy stomach , he shall fall in love with Beatrice . If we can do this , Cupid is no longer an archer ; his glory shall be ours , for we are the only love gods . Go in with me , and I will tell you my drift .

It is so . The Count Claudio shall marry the daughter of Leonato .

Yea , my lord , but I can cross it .

Any bar , any cross , any impediment will be med’cinable to me . I am sick in displeasure to him , and whatsoever comes athwart his affection ranges evenly with mine . How canst thou cross this marriage ?

Not honestly , my lord , but so covertly that no dishonesty shall appear in me .

Show me briefly how .

I think I told your Lordship a year since , how much I am in the favor of Margaret , the waiting gentlewoman to Hero .

I remember .

I can , at any unseasonable instant of the night , appoint her to look out at her lady’s chamber window .

What life is in that to be the death of this marriage ?

The poison of that lies in you to temper . Go you to the Prince your brother ; spare not to tell him that he hath wronged his honor in marrying the renowned Claudio , whose estimation do you mightily hold up , to a contaminated stale , such a one as Hero .

What proof shall I make of that ?

Proof enough to misuse the Prince , to vex Claudio , to undo Hero , and kill Leonato . Look you for any other issue ?

Only to despite them I will endeavor anything .

Go then , find me a meet hour to draw Don Pedro and the Count Claudio alone . Tell them that you know that Hero loves me ; intend a kind of zeal both to the Prince and Claudio , as in love of your brother’s honor , who hath made this match , and his friend’s reputation , who is thus like to be cozened with the semblance of a maid , that you have discovered thus . They will scarcely believe this without trial . Offer them instances , which shall bear no less likelihood than to see me at her chamber window , hear me call Margaret “ Hero , ” hear Margaret term me “ Claudio , ” and bring them to see this the very night before the intended wedding , for in the meantime I will so fashion the matter that Hero shall be absent , and there shall appear such seeming truth of Hero’s disloyalty that jealousy shall be called assurance and all the preparation overthrown .

Grow this to what adverse issue it can , I will put it in practice . Be cunning in the working this , and thy fee is a thousand ducats .

Be you constant in the accusation , and my cunning shall not shame me .

I will presently go learn their day of marriage .

Boy !

Signior ?

In my chamber window lies a book . Bring it hither to me in the orchard .

I am here already , sir .

I know that , but I would have thee hence and here again .

I do much wonder that one man , seeing how much another man is a fool when he dedicates his behaviors to love , will , after he hath laughed at such shallow follies in others , become the argument of his own scorn by falling in love — and such a man is Claudio . I have known when there was no music with him but the drum and the fife , and now had he rather hear the tabor and the pipe ; I have known when he would have walked ten mile afoot to see a good armor , and now will he lie ten nights awake carving the fashion of a new doublet . He was wont to speak plain and to the purpose , like an honest man and a soldier , and now is he turned orthography ; his words are a very fantastical banquet , just so many strange dishes . May I be so converted and see with these eyes ? I cannot tell ; I think not . I will not be sworn but love may transform me to an oyster , but I’ll take my oath on it , till he have made an oyster of me , he shall never make me such a fool . One woman is fair , yet I am well ; another is wise , yet I am well ; another virtuous , yet I am well ; but till all graces be in one woman , one woman shall not come in my grace . Rich she shall be , that’s certain ; wise , or I’ll none ; virtuous , or I’ll never cheapen her ; fair , or I’ll never look on her ; mild , or come not near me ; noble , or not I for an angel ; of good discourse , an excellent musician , and her hair shall be of what color it please God . Ha ! The Prince and Monsieur Love ! I will hide me in the arbor .

Now , divine air ! Now is his soul ravished . Is it not strange that sheeps’ guts should hale souls out of men’s bodies ? Well , a horn for my money , when all’s done .

By my troth , a good song .

And an ill singer , my lord .

Ha , no , no , faith , thou sing’st well enough for a shift .

An he had been a dog that should have howled thus , they would have hanged him . And I pray God his bad voice bode no mischief . I had as lief have heard the night raven , come what plague could have come after it .

Yea , marry , dost thou hear , Balthasar ? I pray thee get us some excellent music , for tomorrow night we would have it at the Lady Hero’s chamber window .

The best I can , my lord .

Do so . Farewell .

Come hither , Leonato . What was it you told me of today , that your niece Beatrice was in love with Signior Benedick ?

O , ay . Stalk on , stalk on ; the fowl sits . — I did never think that lady would have loved any man .

No , nor I neither , but most wonderful that she should so dote on Signior Benedick , whom she hath in all outward behaviors seemed ever to abhor .

Is ’t possible ? Sits the wind in that corner ?

By my troth , my lord , I cannot tell what to think of it , but that she loves him with an enraged affection , it is past the infinite of thought .

Maybe she doth but counterfeit .

Faith , like enough .

O God ! Counterfeit ? There was never counterfeit of passion came so near the life of passion as she discovers it .

Why , what effects of passion shows she ?

Bait the hook well ; this fish will bite .

What effects , my lord ? She will sit you — you heard my daughter tell you how .

She did indeed .

How , how I pray you ? You amaze me . I would have thought her spirit had been invincible against all assaults of affection .

I would have sworn it had , my lord , especially against Benedick .

I should think this a gull but that the white-bearded fellow speaks it . Knavery cannot , sure , hide himself in such reverence .

He hath ta’en th’ infection . Hold it up .

Hath she made her affection known to Benedick ?

No , and swears she never will . That’s her torment .

’Tis true indeed , so your daughter says . “ Shall I , ” says she , “ that have so oft encountered him with scorn , write to him that I love him ? ”

This says she now when she is beginning to write to him , for she’ll be up twenty times a night , and there will she sit in her smock till she have writ a sheet of paper . My daughter tells us all .

Now you talk of a sheet of paper , I remember a pretty jest your daughter told us of .

O , when she had writ it and was reading it over , she found “ Benedick ” and “ Beatrice ” between the sheet ?

That .

O , she tore the letter into a thousand halfpence , railed at herself that she should be so immodest to write to one that she knew would flout her . “ I measure him , ” says she , “ by my own spirit , for I should flout him if he writ to me , yea , though I love him , I should . ”

Then down upon her knees she falls , weeps , sobs , beats her heart , tears her hair , prays , curses : “ O sweet Benedick , God give me patience ! ”

She doth indeed , my daughter says so , and the ecstasy hath so much overborne her that my daughter is sometimes afeared she will do a desperate outrage to herself . It is very true .

It were good that Benedick knew of it by some other , if she will not discover it .

To what end ? He would make but a sport of it and torment the poor lady worse .

An he should , it were an alms to hang him . She’s an excellent sweet lady , and , out of all suspicion , she is virtuous .

And she is exceeding wise .

In everything but in loving Benedick .

O , my lord , wisdom and blood combating in so tender a body , we have ten proofs to one that blood hath the victory . I am sorry for her , as I have just cause , being her uncle and her guardian .

I would she had bestowed this dotage on me . I would have daffed all other respects and made her half myself . I pray you tell Benedick of it , and hear what he will say .

Were it good , think you ?

Hero thinks surely she will die , for she says she will die if he love her not , and she will die ere she make her love known , and she will die if he woo her rather than she will bate one breath of her accustomed crossness .

She doth well . If she should make tender of her love , ’tis very possible he’ll scorn it , for the man , as you know all , hath a contemptible spirit .

He is a very proper man .

He hath indeed a good outward happiness .

Before God , and in my mind , very wise .

He doth indeed show some sparks that are like wit .

And I take him to be valiant .

As Hector , I assure you , and in the managing of quarrels you may say he is wise , for either he avoids them with great discretion or undertakes them with a most Christianlike fear .

If he do fear God , he must necessarily keep peace . If he break the peace , he ought to enter into a quarrel with fear and trembling .

And so will he do , for the man doth fear God , howsoever it seems not in him by some large jests he will make . Well , I am sorry for your niece . Shall we go seek Benedick and tell him of her love ?

Never tell him , my lord , let her wear it out with good counsel .

Nay , that’s impossible ; she may wear her heart out first .

Well , we will hear further of it by your daughter . Let it cool the while . I love Benedick well , and I could wish he would modestly examine himself to see how much he is unworthy so good a lady .

My lord , will you walk ? Dinner is ready .

If he do not dote on her upon this , I will never trust my expectation .

Let there be the same net spread for her , and that must your daughter and her gentlewomen carry . The sport will be when they hold one an opinion of another’s dotage , and no such matter . That’s the scene that I would see , which will be merely a dumb show . Let us send her to call him in to dinner .

This can be no trick . The conference was sadly borne ; they have the truth of this from Hero ; they seem to pity the lady . It seems her affections have their full bent . Love me ? Why , it must be requited ! I hear how I am censured . They say I will bear myself proudly if I perceive the love come from her . They say , too , that she will rather die than give any sign of affection . I did never think to marry . I must not seem proud . Happy are they that hear their detractions and can put them to mending . They say the lady is fair ; ’tis a truth , I can bear them witness . And virtuous ; ’tis so , I cannot reprove it . And wise , but for loving me ; by my troth , it is no addition to her wit , nor no great argument of her folly , for I will be horribly in love with her ! I may chance have some odd quirks and remnants of wit broken on me because I have railed so long against marriage , but doth not the appetite alter ? A man loves the meat in his youth that he cannot endure in his age . Shall quips and sentences and these paper bullets of the brain awe a man from the career of his humor ? No ! The world must be peopled . When I said I would die a bachelor , I did not think I should live till I were married . Here comes Beatrice . By this day , she’s a fair lady . I do spy some marks of love in her .

Against my will , I am sent to bid you come in to dinner .

Fair Beatrice , I thank you for your pains .

I took no more pains for those thanks than you take pains to thank me . If it had been painful , I would not have come .

You take pleasure then in the message ?

Yea , just so much as you may take upon a knife’s point and choke a daw withal . You have no stomach , signior . Fare you well .

Ha ! “ Against my will I am sent to bid you come in to dinner . ” There’s a double meaning in that . “ I took no more pains for those thanks than you took pains to thank me . ” That’s as much as to say “ Any pains that I take for you is as easy as thanks . ” If I do not take pity of her , I am a villain ; if I do not love her , I am a Jew . I will go get her picture .

I do but stay till your marriage be consummate , and then go I toward Aragon .

I’ll bring you thither , my lord , if you’ll vouchsafe me .

Nay , that would be as great a soil in the new gloss of your marriage as to show a child his new coat and forbid him to wear it . I will only be bold with Benedick for his company , for from the crown of his head to the sole of his foot he is all mirth . He hath twice or thrice cut Cupid’s bowstring , and the little hangman dare not shoot at him . He hath a heart as sound as a bell , and his tongue is the clapper , for what his heart thinks , his tongue speaks .

Gallants , I am not as I have been .

So say I . Methinks you are sadder .

I hope he be in love .

Hang him , truant ! There’s no true drop of blood in him to be truly touched with love . If he be sad , he wants money .

I have the toothache .

Draw it .

Hang it !

You must hang it first , and draw it afterwards .

What , sigh for the toothache ?

Where is but a humor or a worm .

Well , everyone can master a grief but he that has it .

Yet say I , he is in love .

There is no appearance of fancy in him , unless it be a fancy that he hath to strange disguises , as to be a Dutchman today , a Frenchman tomorrow , or in the shape of two countries at once , as a German from the waist downward , all slops , and a Spaniard from the hip upward , no doublet . Unless he have a fancy to this foolery , as it appears he hath , he is no fool for fancy , as you would have it appear he is .

If he be not in love with some woman , there is no believing old signs . He brushes his hat o’ mornings . What should that bode ?

Hath any man seen him at the barber’s ?

No , but the barber’s man hath been seen with him , and the old ornament of his cheek hath already stuffed tennis balls .

Indeed he looks younger than he did , by the loss of a beard .

Nay , he rubs himself with civet . Can you smell him out by that ?

That’s as much as to say , the sweet youth’s in love .

The greatest note of it is his melancholy .

And when was he wont to wash his face ?

Yea , or to paint himself ? For the which I hear what they say of him .

Nay , but his jesting spirit , which is now crept into a lute string and now governed by stops —

Indeed , that tells a heavy tale for him . Conclude , conclude , he is in love .

Nay , but I know who loves him .

That would I know , too . I warrant , one that knows him not .

Yes , and his ill conditions ; and , in despite of all , dies for him .

She shall be buried with her face upwards .

Yet is this no charm for the toothache . — Old signior , walk aside with me . I have studied eight or nine wise words to speak to you , which these hobby-horses must not hear .

For my life , to break with him about Beatrice !

’Tis even so . Hero and Margaret have by this played their parts with Beatrice , and then the two bears will not bite one another when they meet .

My lord and brother , God save you .

Good e’en , brother .

If your leisure served , I would speak with you .

In private ?

If it please you . Yet Count Claudio may hear , for what I would speak of concerns him .

What’s the matter ?

Means your Lordship to be married tomorrow ?

You know he does .

I know not that , when he knows what I know .

If there be any impediment , I pray you discover it .

You may think I love you not . Let that appear hereafter , and aim better at me by that I now will manifest . For my brother , I think he holds you well , and in dearness of heart hath holp to effect your ensuing marriage — surely suit ill spent and labor ill bestowed .

Why , what’s the matter ?

I came hither to tell you ; and , circumstances shortened , for she has been too long a-talking of , the lady is disloyal .

Who , Hero ?

Even she : Leonato’s Hero , your Hero , every man’s Hero .

Disloyal ?

The word is too good to paint out her wickedness . I could say she were worse . Think you of a worse title , and I will fit her to it . Wonder not till further warrant . Go but with me tonight , you shall see her chamber window entered , even the night before her wedding day . If you love her then , tomorrow wed her . But it would better fit your honor to change your mind .

May this be so ?

I will not think it .

If you dare not trust that you see , confess not that you know . If you will follow me , I will show you enough , and when you have seen more and heard more , proceed accordingly .

If I see anything tonight why I should not marry her , tomorrow in the congregation , where I should wed , there will I shame her .

And as I wooed for thee to obtain her , I will join with thee to disgrace her .

I will disparage her no farther till you are my witnesses . Bear it coldly but till midnight , and let the issue show itself .

O day untowardly turned !

O mischief strangely thwarting !

O plague right well prevented ! So will you say when you have seen the sequel .

Are you good men and true ?

Yea , or else it were pity but they should suffer salvation , body and soul .

Nay , that were a punishment too good for them if they should have any allegiance in them , being chosen for the Prince’s watch .

Well , give them their charge , neighbor Dogberry .

First , who think you the most desartless man to be constable ?

Hugh Oatcake , sir , or George Seacoal , for they can write and read .

Come hither , neighbor Seacoal .

God hath blessed you with a good name . To be a well-favored man is the gift of fortune , but to write and read comes by nature .

Both which , master constable —

You have . I knew it would be your answer . Well , for your favor , sir , why , give God thanks , and make no boast of it , and for your writing and reading , let that appear when there is no need of such vanity . You are thought here to be the most senseless and fit man for the constable of the watch ; therefore bear you the lantern . This is your charge : you shall comprehend all vagrom men ; you are to bid any man stand , in the Prince’s name .

How if he will not stand ?

Why , then , take no note of him , but let him go , and presently call the rest of the watch together and thank God you are rid of a knave .

If he will not stand when he is bidden , he is none of the Prince’s subjects .

True , and they are to meddle with none but the Prince’s subjects . — You shall also make no noise in the streets ; for , for the watch to babble and to talk is most tolerable and not to be endured .

We will rather sleep than talk . We know what belongs to a watch .

Why , you speak like an ancient and most quiet watchman , for I cannot see how sleeping should offend ; only have a care that your bills be not stolen . Well , you are to call at all the alehouses and bid those that are drunk get them to bed .

How if they will not ?

Why then , let them alone till they are sober . If they make you not then the better answer , you may say they are not the men you took them for .

Well , sir .

If you meet a thief , you may suspect him , by virtue of your office , to be no true man , and for such kind of men , the less you meddle or make with them , why , the more is for your honesty .

If we know him to be a thief , shall we not lay hands on him ?

Truly , by your office you may , but I think they that touch pitch will be defiled . The most peaceable way for you , if you do take a thief , is to let him show himself what he is and steal out of your company .

You have been always called a merciful man , partner .

Truly , I would not hang a dog by my will , much more a man who hath any honesty in him .

If you hear a child cry in the night , you must call to the nurse and bid her still it .

How if the nurse be asleep and will not hear us ?

Why , then depart in peace , and let the child wake her with crying , for the ewe that will not hear her lamb when it baas will never answer a calf when he bleats .

’Tis very true .

This is the end of the charge . You , constable , are to present the Prince’s own person . If you meet the Prince in the night , you may stay him .

Nay , by ’r Lady , that I think he cannot .

Five shillings to one on ’t , with any man that knows the statutes , he may stay him — marry , not without the Prince be willing , for indeed the watch ought to offend no man , and it is an offense to stay a man against his will .

By ’r Lady , I think it be so .

Ha , ah ha ! — Well , masters , goodnight . An there be any matter of weight chances , call up me . Keep your fellows’ counsels and your own , and goodnight . — Come , neighbor .

Well , masters , we hear our charge . Let us go sit here upon the church bench till two , and then all to bed .

One word more , honest neighbors . I pray you watch about Signior Leonato’s door , for the wedding being there tomorrow , there is a great coil tonight . Adieu , be vigitant , I beseech you .

What , Conrade !

Peace , stir not .

Conrade , I say !

Here , man , I am at thy elbow .

Mass , and my elbow itched , I thought there would a scab follow .

I will owe thee an answer for that . And now forward with thy tale .

Stand thee close , then , under this penthouse , for it drizzles rain , and I will , like a true drunkard , utter all to thee .

Some treason , masters . Yet stand close .

Therefore know , I have earned of Don John a thousand ducats .

Is it possible that any villainy should be so dear ?

Thou shouldst rather ask if it were possible any villainy should be so rich . For when rich villains have need of poor ones , poor ones may make what price they will .

I wonder at it .

That shows thou art unconfirmed . Thou knowest that the fashion of a doublet , or a hat , or a cloak , is nothing to a man .

Yes , it is apparel .

I mean the fashion .

Yes , the fashion is the fashion .

Tush , I may as well say the fool’s the fool . But seest thou not what a deformed thief this fashion is ?

I know that Deformed . He has been a vile thief this seven year . He goes up and down like a gentleman . I remember his name .

Didst thou not hear somebody ?

No , ’twas the vane on the house .

Seest thou not , I say , what a deformed thief this fashion is , how giddily he turns about all the hot bloods between fourteen and five-and-thirty , sometimes fashioning them like Pharaoh’s soldiers in the reechy painting , sometimes like god Bel’s priests in the old church window , sometimes like the shaven Hercules in the smirched worm-eaten tapestry , where his codpiece seems as massy as his club ?

All this I see , and I see that the fashion wears out more apparel than the man . But art not thou thyself giddy with the fashion too , that thou hast shifted out of thy tale into telling me of the fashion ?

Not so , neither . But know that I have tonight wooed Margaret , the Lady Hero’s gentlewoman , by the name of Hero . She leans me out at her mistress’ chamber window , bids me a thousand times goodnight . I tell this tale vilely . I should first tell thee how the Prince , Claudio , and my master , planted and placed and possessed by my master Don John , saw afar off in the orchard this amiable amiable encounter .

And thought they Margaret was Hero ?

Two of them did , the Prince and Claudio , but the devil my master knew she was Margaret ; and partly by his oaths , which first possessed them , partly by the dark night , which did deceive them , but chiefly by my villainy , which did confirm any slander that Don John had made , away went Claudio enraged , swore he would meet her as he was appointed next morning at the temple , and there , before the whole congregation , shame her with what he saw o’ernight and send her home again without a husband .

We charge you in the Prince’s name stand !

Call up the right Master Constable .

We have here recovered the most dangerous piece of lechery that ever was known in the commonwealth .

And one Deformed is one of them . I know him ; he wears a lock .

Masters , masters —

You’ll be made bring Deformed forth , I warrant you .

Masters , never speak , we charge you , let us obey you to go with us .

We are like to prove a goodly commodity , being taken up of these men’s bills .

A commodity in question , I warrant you . — Come , we’ll obey you .

Good Ursula , wake my cousin Beatrice and desire her to rise .

I will , lady .

And bid her come hither .

Well .

Troth , I think your other rebato were better .

No , pray thee , good Meg , I’ll wear this .

By my troth , ’s not so good , and I warrant your cousin will say so .

My cousin’s a fool , and thou art another . I’ll wear none but this .

I like the new tire within excellently , if the hair were a thought browner ; and your gown’s a most rare fashion , i’ faith . I saw the Duchess of Milan’s gown that they praise so .

O , that exceeds , they say .

By my troth , ’s but a nightgown in respect of yours — cloth o’ gold , and cuts , and laced with silver , set with pearls , down sleeves , side sleeves , and skirts round underborne with a bluish tinsel . But for a fine , quaint , graceful , and excellent fashion , yours is worth ten on ’t .

God give me joy to wear it , for my heart is exceeding heavy .

’Twill be heavier soon by the weight of a man .

Fie upon thee ! Art not ashamed ?

Of what , lady ? Of speaking honorably ? Is not marriage honorable in a beggar ? Is not your lord honorable without marriage ? I think you would have me say “ Saving your reverence , a husband . ” An bad thinking do not wrest true speaking , I’ll offend nobody . Is there any harm in “ the heavier for a husband ” ? None , I think , an it be the right husband and the right wife . Otherwise , ’tis light and not heavy . Ask my lady Beatrice else . Here she comes .

Good morrow , coz .

Good morrow , sweet Hero .

Why , how now ? Do you speak in the sick tune ?

I am out of all other tune , methinks .

Clap ’s into “ Light o’ love . ” That goes without a burden . Do you sing it , and I’ll dance it .

You light o’ love with your heels ! Then , if your husband have stables enough , you’ll see he shall lack no barns .

O , illegitimate construction ! I scorn that with my heels .

’Tis almost five o’clock , cousin . ’Tis time you were ready . By my troth , I am exceeding ill . Heigh-ho !

For a hawk , a horse , or a husband ?

For the letter that begins them all , H .

Well , an you be not turned Turk , there’s no more sailing by the star .

What means the fool , trow ?

Nothing , I ; but God send everyone their heart’s desire .

These gloves the Count sent me , they are an excellent perfume .

I am stuffed , cousin . I cannot smell .

A maid , and stuffed ! There’s goodly catching of cold .

O , God help me , God help me ! How long have you professed apprehension ?

Ever since you left it . Doth not my wit become me rarely ?

It is not seen enough ; you should wear it in your cap . By my troth , I am sick .

Get you some of this distilled carduus benedictus and lay it to your heart . It is the only thing for a qualm .

There thou prick’st her with a thistle .

Benedictus ! Why benedictus ? You have some moral in this benedictus ?

Moral ? No , by my troth , I have no moral meaning ; I meant plain holy thistle . You may think perchance that I think you are in love . Nay , by ’r Lady , I am not such a fool to think what I list , nor I list not to think what I can , nor indeed I cannot think , if I would think my heart out of thinking , that you are in love or that you will be in love or that you can be in love . Yet Benedick was such another , and now is he become a man . He swore he would never marry , and yet now , in despite of his heart , he eats his meat without grudging . And how you may be converted I know not , but methinks you look with your eyes as other women do .

What pace is this that thy tongue keeps ?

Not a false gallop .

Madam , withdraw . The Prince , the Count , Signior Benedick , Don John , and all the gallants of the town are come to fetch you to church .

Help to dress me , good coz , good Meg , good Ursula .

What would you with me , honest neighbor ?

Marry , sir , I would have some confidence with you that decerns you nearly .

Brief , I pray you , for you see it is a busy time with me .

Marry , this it is , sir .

Yes , in truth , it is , sir .

What is it , my good friends ?

Goodman Verges , sir , speaks a little off the matter . An old man , sir , and his wits are not so blunt as , God help , I would desire they were , but , in faith , honest as the skin between his brows .

Yes , I thank God I am as honest as any man living that is an old man and no honester than I .

Comparisons are odorous . Palabras , neighbor Verges .

Neighbors , you are tedious .

It pleases your Worship to say so , but we are the poor duke’s officers . But truly , for mine own part , if I were as tedious as a king , I could find in my heart to bestow it all of your Worship .

All thy tediousness on me , ah ?

Yea , an ’twere a thousand pound more than ’tis , for I hear as good exclamation on your Worship as of any man in the city , and though I be but a poor man , I am glad to hear it .

And so am I .

I would fain know what you have to say .

Marry , sir , our watch tonight , excepting your Worship’s presence , ha’ ta’en a couple of as arrant knaves as any in Messina .

A good old man , sir . He will be talking . As they say , “ When the age is in , the wit is out . ” God help us , it is a world to see ! — Well said , i’ faith , neighbor Verges . — Well , God’s a good man . An two men ride of a horse , one must ride behind . An honest soul , i’ faith , sir , by my troth he is , as ever broke bread , but God is to be worshiped , all men are not alike , alas , good neighbor .

Indeed , neighbor , he comes too short of you .

Gifts that God gives .

I must leave you .

One word , sir . Our watch , sir , have indeed comprehended two aspicious persons , and we would have them this morning examined before your Worship .

Take their examination yourself and bring it me . I am now in great haste , as it may appear unto you .

It shall be suffigance .

Drink some wine ere you go . Fare you well .

My lord , they stay for you to give your daughter to her husband .

I’ll wait upon them . I am ready .

Go , good partner , go , get you to Francis Seacoal . Bid him bring his pen and inkhorn to the jail . We are now to examination these men .

And we must do it wisely .

We will spare for no wit , I warrant you . Here’s that shall drive some of them to a noncome . Only get the learned writer to set down our excommunication and meet me at the jail .

Come , Friar Francis , be brief , only to the plain form of marriage , and you shall recount their particular duties afterwards .

You come hither , my lord , to marry this lady ?

No .

To be married to her . — Friar , you come to marry her .

Lady , you come hither to be married to this count ?

I do .

If either of you know any inward impediment why you should not be conjoined , I charge you on your souls to utter it .

Know you any , Hero ?

None , my lord .

Know you any , count ?

I dare make his answer , none .

O , what men dare do ! What men may do ! What men daily do , not knowing what they do !

How now , interjections ? Why , then , some be of laughing , as ah , ha , he !

Lady Beatrice , have you wept all this while ?

Yea , and I will weep a while longer .

I will not desire that .

You have no reason . I do it freely .

Surely I do believe your fair cousin is wronged .

Ah , how much might the man deserve of me that would right her !

Is there any way to show such friendship ?

A very even way , but no such friend .

May a man do it ?

It is a man’s office , but not yours .

I do love nothing in the world so well as you . Is not that strange ?

As strange as the thing I know not . It were as possible for me to say I loved nothing so well as you , but believe me not , and yet I lie not ; I confess nothing , nor I deny nothing . I am sorry for my cousin .

By my sword , Beatrice , thou lovest me !

Do not swear and eat it .

I will swear by it that you love me , and I will make him eat it that says I love not you .

Will you not eat your word ?

With no sauce that can be devised to it . I protest I love thee .

Why then , God forgive me .

What offense , sweet Beatrice ?

You have stayed me in a happy hour . I was about to protest I loved you .

And do it with all thy heart .

I love you with so much of my heart that none is left to protest .

Come , bid me do anything for thee .

Kill Claudio .

Ha ! Not for the wide world .

You kill me to deny it . Farewell .

Tarry , sweet Beatrice .

I am gone , though I am here . There is no love in you . Nay , I pray you let me go .

Beatrice —

In faith , I will go .

We’ll be friends first .

You dare easier be friends with me than fight with mine enemy .

Is Claudio thine enemy ?

Is he not approved in the height a villain that hath slandered , scorned , dishonored my kinswoman ? O , that I were a man ! What , bear her in hand until they come to take hands , and then , with public accusation , uncovered slander , unmitigated rancor — O God , that I were a man ! I would eat his heart in the marketplace .

Hear me , Beatrice —

Talk with a man out at a window ! A proper saying .

Nay , but Beatrice —

Sweet Hero , she is wronged , she is slandered , she is undone .

Beat —

Princes and counties ! Surely a princely testimony , a goodly count , Count Comfect , a sweet gallant , surely ! O , that I were a man for his sake ! Or that I had any friend would be a man for my sake ! But manhood is melted into curtsies , valor into compliment , and men are only turned into tongue , and trim ones , too . He is now as valiant as Hercules that only tells a lie and swears it . I cannot be a man with wishing ; therefore I will die a woman with grieving .

Tarry , good Beatrice . By this hand , I love thee .

Use it for my love some other way than swearing by it .

Think you in your soul the Count Claudio hath wronged Hero ?

Yea , as sure as I have a thought or a soul .

Enough , I am engaged . I will challenge him . I will kiss your hand , and so I leave you . By this hand , Claudio shall render me a dear account . As you hear of me , so think of me . Go comfort your cousin . I must say she is dead , and so farewell .

Is our whole dissembly appeared ?

O , a stool and a cushion for the Sexton .

Which be the malefactors ?

Marry , that am I , and my partner .

Nay , that’s certain , we have the exhibition to examine .

But which are the offenders that are to be examined ? Let them come before Master Constable .

Yea , marry , let them come before me .

What is your name , friend ?

Borachio .

Pray , write down “ Borachio . ” — Yours , sirrah ?

I am a gentleman , sir , and my name is Conrade .

Write down “ Master Gentleman Conrade . ” — Masters , do you serve God ?

Yea , sir , we hope .

Write down that they hope they serve God ; and write God first , for God defend but God should go before such villains ! — Masters , it is proved already that you are little better than false knaves , and it will go near to be thought so shortly . How answer you for yourselves ?

Marry , sir , we say we are none .

A marvelous witty fellow , I assure you , but I will go about with him . — Come you hither , sirrah , a word in your ear . Sir , I say to you it is thought you are false knaves .

Sir , I say to you we are none .

Well , stand aside . — ’Fore God , they are both in a tale . Have you writ down that they are none ?

Master constable , you go not the way to examine . You must call forth the watch that are their accusers .

Yea , marry , that’s the eftest way . — Let the watch come forth . Masters , I charge you in the Prince’s name , accuse these men .

This man said , sir , that Don John , the Prince’s brother , was a villain .

Write down Prince John a villain . Why , this is flat perjury , to call a prince’s brother villain !

Master constable —

Pray thee , fellow , peace . I do not like thy look , I promise thee .

What heard you him say else ?

Marry , that he had received a thousand ducats of Don John for accusing the Lady Hero wrongfully .

Flat burglary as ever was committed .

Yea , by Mass , that it is .

What else , fellow ?

And that Count Claudio did mean , upon his words , to disgrace Hero before the whole assembly , and not marry her .

O , villain ! Thou wilt be condemned into everlasting redemption for this !

What else ?

This is all .

And this is more , masters , than you can deny . Prince John is this morning secretly stolen away . Hero was in this manner accused , in this very manner refused , and upon the grief of this suddenly died . — Master constable , let these men be bound and brought to Leonato’s . I will go before and show him their examination .

Come , let them be opinioned .

Let them be in the hands —

Off , coxcomb !

God’s my life , where’s the Sexton ? Let him write down the Prince’s officer “ coxcomb . ” Come , bind them . — Thou naughty varlet !

Away ! You are an ass , you are an ass !

Dost thou not suspect my place ? Dost thou not suspect my years ? O , that he were here to write me down an ass ! But masters , remember that I am an ass , though it be not written down , yet forget not that I am an ass . — No , thou villain , thou art full of piety , as shall be proved upon thee by good witness . I am a wise fellow and , which is more , an officer and , which is more , a householder and , which is more , as pretty a piece of flesh as any is in Messina , and one that knows the law , go to , and a rich fellow enough , go to , and a fellow that hath had losses , and one that hath two gowns and everything handsome about him . — Bring him away . — O , that I had been writ down an ass !

Now , signior , what news ?

Good day , my lord .

Welcome , signior . You are almost come to part almost a fray .

We had like to have had our two noses snapped off with two old men without teeth .

Leonato and his brother . What think’st thou ? Had we fought , I doubt we should have been too young for them .

In a false quarrel there is no true valor . I came to seek you both .

We have been up and down to seek thee , for we are high-proof melancholy and would fain have it beaten away . Wilt thou use thy wit ?

It is in my scabbard . Shall I draw it ?

Dost thou wear thy wit by thy side ?

Never any did so , though very many have been beside their wit . I will bid thee draw , as we do the minstrels : draw to pleasure us .

As I am an honest man , he looks pale . — Art thou sick , or angry ?

What , courage , man ! What though care killed a cat ? Thou hast mettle enough in thee to kill care .

Sir , I shall meet your wit in the career , an you charge it against me . I pray you , choose another subject .

Nay , then , give him another staff . This last was broke ’cross .

By this light , he changes more and more . I think he be angry indeed .

If he be , he knows how to turn his girdle .

Shall I speak a word in your ear ?

God bless me from a challenge !

You are a villain . I jest not . I will make it good how you dare , with what you dare , and when you dare . Do me right , or I will protest your cowardice . You have killed a sweet lady , and her death shall fall heavy on you . Let me hear from you .

Well , I will meet you , so I may have good cheer .

What , a feast , a feast ?

I’ faith , I thank him . He hath bid me to a calf’s head and a capon , the which if I do not carve most curiously , say my knife’s naught . Shall I not find a woodcock too ?

Sir , your wit ambles well ; it goes easily .

I’ll tell thee how Beatrice praised thy wit the other day . I said thou hadst a fine wit . “ True , ” said she , “ a fine little one . ” “ No , ” said I , “ a great wit . ” “ Right , ” says she , “ a great gross one . ” “ Nay , ” said I , “ a good wit . ” “ Just , ” said she , “ it hurts nobody . ” “ Nay , ” said I , “ the gentleman is wise . ” “ Certain , ” said she , “ a wise gentleman . ” “ Nay , ” said I , “ he hath the tongues . ” “ That I believe , ” said she , “ for he swore a thing to me on Monday night which he forswore on Tuesday morning ; there’s a double tongue , there’s two tongues . ” Thus did she an hour together transshape thy particular virtues . Yet at last she concluded with a sigh , thou wast the proper’st man in Italy .

For the which she wept heartily and said she cared not .

Yea , that she did . But yet for all that , an if she did not hate him deadly , she would love him dearly . The old man’s daughter told us all .

All , all . And , moreover , God saw him when he was hid in the garden .

But when shall we set the savage bull’s horns on the sensible Benedick’s head ?

Yea , and text underneath : “ Here dwells Benedick , the married man ” ?

Fare you well , boy . You know my mind . I will leave you now to your gossip-like humor . You break jests as braggarts do their blades , which , God be thanked , hurt not . — My lord , for your many courtesies I thank you . I must discontinue your company . Your brother the Bastard is fled from Messina . You have among you killed a sweet and innocent lady . For my Lord Lackbeard there , he and I shall meet , and till then peace be with him .

He is in earnest .

In most profound earnest , and , I’ll warrant you , for the love of Beatrice .

And hath challenged thee ?

Most sincerely .

What a pretty thing man is when he goes in his doublet and hose and leaves off his wit !

He is then a giant to an ape ; but then is an ape a doctor to such a man .

But soft you , let me be . Pluck up , my heart , and be sad . Did he not say my brother was fled ?

Come you , sir . If justice cannot tame you , she shall ne’er weigh more reasons in her balance . Nay , an you be a cursing hypocrite once , you must be looked to .

How now , two of my brother’s men bound ? Borachio one !

Hearken after their offense , my lord .

Officers , what offense have these men done ?

Marry , sir , they have committed false report ; moreover , they have spoken untruths ; secondarily , they are slanders ; sixth and lastly , they have belied a lady ; thirdly , they have verified unjust things ; and , to conclude , they are lying knaves .

First , I ask thee what they have done ; thirdly , I ask thee what’s their offense ; sixth and lastly , why they are committed ; and , to conclude , what you lay to their charge .

Rightly reasoned , and in his own division ; and , by my troth , there’s one meaning well suited .

Who have you offended , masters , that you are thus bound to your answer ? This learned constable is too cunning to be understood . What’s your offense ?

Sweet prince , let me go no farther to mine answer . Do you hear me , and let this count kill me . I have deceived even your very eyes . What your wisdoms could not discover , these shallow fools have brought to light , who in the night overheard me confessing to this man how Don John your brother incensed me to slander the Lady Hero , how you were brought into the orchard and saw me court Margaret in Hero’s garments , how you disgraced her when you should marry her . My villainy they have upon record , which I had rather seal with my death than repeat over to my shame . The lady is dead upon mine and my master’s false accusation . And , briefly , I desire nothing but the reward of a villain .

Yea , and paid me richly for the practice of it .

Come , bring away the plaintiffs . By this time our sexton hath reformed Signior Leonato of the matter . And , masters , do not forget to specify , when time and place shall serve , that I am an ass .

Here , here comes Master Signior Leonato , and the Sexton too .

Moreover , sir , which indeed is not under white and black , this plaintiff here , the offender , did call me ass . I beseech you , let it be remembered in his punishment . And also the watch heard them talk of one Deformed . They say he wears a key in his ear and a lock hanging by it and borrows money in God’s name , the which he hath used so long and never paid that now men grow hardhearted and will lend nothing for God’s sake . Pray you , examine him upon that point .

I thank thee for thy care and honest pains .

Your Worship speaks like a most thankful and reverent youth , and I praise God for you .

There’s for thy pains .

God save the foundation .

Go , I discharge thee of thy prisoner , and I thank thee .

I leave an arrant knave with your Worship , which I beseech your Worship to correct yourself , for the example of others . God keep your Worship ! I wish your Worship well . God restore you to health . I humbly give you leave to depart , and if a merry meeting may be wished , God prohibit it . — Come , neighbor .

Pray thee , sweet Mistress Margaret , deserve well at my hands by helping me to the speech of Beatrice .

Will you then write me a sonnet in praise of my beauty ?

In so high a style , Margaret , that no man living shall come over it , for in most comely truth thou deservest it .

To have no man come over me ? Why , shall I always keep below stairs ?

Thy wit is as quick as the greyhound’s mouth ; it catches .

And yours as blunt as the fencer’s foils , which hit but hurt not .

A most manly wit , Margaret ; it will not hurt a woman . And so , I pray thee , call Beatrice . I give thee the bucklers .

Give us the swords ; we have bucklers of our own .

If you use them , Margaret , you must put in the pikes with a vice , and they are dangerous weapons for maids .

Well , I will call Beatrice to you , who I think hath legs .

And therefore will come .

I mean in singing . But in loving , Leander the good swimmer , Troilus the first employer of panders , and a whole book full of these quondam carpetmongers , whose names yet run smoothly in the even road of a blank verse , why , they were never so truly turned over and over as my poor self in love . Marry , I cannot show it in rhyme . I have tried . I can find out no rhyme to “ lady ” but “ baby ” — an innocent rhyme ; for “ scorn , ” “ horn ” — a hard rhyme ; for “ school , ” “ fool ” — a babbling rhyme ; very ominous endings . No , I was not born under a rhyming planet , nor I cannot woo in festival terms .

Sweet Beatrice , wouldst thou come when I called thee ?

Yea , signior , and depart when you bid me .

O , stay but till then !

“ Then ” is spoken . Fare you well now . And yet , ere I go , let me go with that I came , which is , with knowing what hath passed between you and Claudio .

Only foul words , and thereupon I will kiss thee .

Foul words is but foul wind , and foul wind is but foul breath , and foul breath is noisome . Therefore I will depart unkissed .

Thou hast frighted the word out of his right sense , so forcible is thy wit . But I must tell thee plainly , Claudio undergoes my challenge , and either I must shortly hear from him , or I will subscribe him a coward . And I pray thee now tell me , for which of my bad parts didst thou first fall in love with me ?

For them all together , which maintained so politic a state of evil that they will not admit any good part to intermingle with them . But for which of my good parts did you first suffer love for me ?

Suffer love ! A good epithet . I do suffer love indeed , for I love thee against my will .

In spite of your heart , I think . Alas , poor heart , if you spite it for my sake , I will spite it for yours , for I will never love that which my friend hates .

Thou and I are too wise to woo peaceably .

It appears not in this confession . There’s not one wise man among twenty that will praise himself .

An old , an old instance , Beatrice , that lived in the time of good neighbors . If a man do not erect in this age his own tomb ere he dies , he shall live no longer in monument than the bell rings and the widow weeps .

And how long is that , think you ?

Question : why , an hour in clamor and a quarter in rheum . Therefore is it most expedient for the wise , if Don Worm , his conscience , find no impediment to the contrary , to be the trumpet of his own virtues , as I am to myself . So much for praising myself , who , I myself will bear witness , is praiseworthy . And now tell me , how doth your cousin ?

Very ill .

And how do you ?

Very ill , too .

Serve God , love me , and mend . There will I leave you too , for here comes one in haste .

Madam , you must come to your uncle . Yonder’s old coil at home . It is proved my Lady Hero hath been falsely accused , the Prince and Claudio mightily abused , and Don John is the author of all , who is fled and gone . Will you come presently ?

Will you go hear this news , signior ?

I will live in thy heart , die in thy lap , and be buried in thy eyes — and , moreover , I will go with thee to thy uncle’s .

Is this the monument of Leonato ?

It is , my lord .