Twelfth Night

What a plague means my niece to take the death of her brother thus ? I am sure care’s an enemy to life .

By my troth , Sir Toby , you must come in earlier o’ nights . Your cousin , my lady , takes great exceptions to your ill hours .

Why , let her except before excepted !

Ay , but you must confine yourself within the modest limits of order .

Confine ? I’ll confine myself no finer than I am . These clothes are good enough to drink in , and so be these boots too . An they be not , let them hang themselves in their own straps !

That quaffing and drinking will undo you . I heard my lady talk of it yesterday , and of a foolish knight that you brought in one night here to be her wooer .

Who , Sir Andrew Aguecheek ?

Ay , he .

He’s as tall a man as any ’s in Illyria .

What’s that to th’ purpose ?

Why , he has three thousand ducats a year !

Ay , but he’ll have but a year in all these ducats . He’s a very fool and a prodigal .

Fie that you’ll say so ! He plays o’ th’ viol-de-gamboys and speaks three or four languages word for word without book , and hath all the good gifts of nature .

He hath indeed , almost natural , for , besides that he’s a fool , he’s a great quarreler , and , but that he hath the gift of a coward to allay the gust he hath in quarreling , ’tis thought among the prudent he would quickly have the gift of a grave .

By this hand , they are scoundrels and substractors that say so of him . Who are they ?

They that add , moreover , he’s drunk nightly in your company .

With drinking healths to my niece . I’ll drink to her as long as there is a passage in my throat and drink in Illyria . He’s a coward and a coistrel that will not drink to my niece till his brains turn o’ th’ toe like a parish top . What , wench ! Castiliano vulgo , for here comes Sir Andrew Agueface .

Sir Toby Belch ! How now , Sir Toby Belch ?

Sweet Sir Andrew !

Bless you , fair shrew .

And you too , sir .

Accost , Sir Andrew , accost !

What’s that ?

My niece’s chambermaid .

Good Mistress Accost , I desire better acquaintance .

My name is Mary , sir .

Good Mistress Mary Accost —

You mistake , knight . “ Accost ” is front her , board her , woo her , assail her .

By my troth , I would not undertake her in this company . Is that the meaning of “ accost ” ?

Fare you well , gentlemen .

An thou let part so , Sir Andrew , would thou mightst never draw sword again .

An you part so , mistress , I would I might never draw sword again . Fair lady , do you think you have fools in hand ?

Sir , I have not you by th’ hand .

Marry , but you shall have , and here’s my hand .

Now sir , thought is free . I pray you , bring your hand to th’ butt’ry bar and let it drink .

Wherefore , sweetheart ? What’s your metaphor ?

It’s dry , sir .

Why , I think so . I am not such an ass but I can keep my hand dry . But what’s your jest ?

A dry jest , sir .

Are you full of them ?

Ay , sir , I have them at my fingers’ ends . Marry , now I let go your hand , I am barren .

O knight , thou lack’st a cup of canary ! When did I see thee so put down ?

Never in your life , I think , unless you see canary put me down . Methinks sometimes I have no more wit than a Christian or an ordinary man has . But I am a great eater of beef , and I believe that does harm to my wit .

No question .

An I thought that , I’d forswear it . I’ll ride home tomorrow , Sir Toby .

Pourquoi , my dear knight ?

What is “ pourquoi ” ? Do , or not do ? I would I had bestowed that time in the tongues that I have in fencing , dancing , and bearbaiting . O , had I but followed the arts !

Then hadst thou had an excellent head of hair .

Why , would that have mended my hair ?

Past question , for thou seest it will not curl by nature .

But it becomes me well enough , does ’t not ?

Excellent ! It hangs like flax on a distaff , and I hope to see a huswife take thee between her legs and spin it off .

Faith , I’ll home tomorrow , Sir Toby . Your niece will not be seen , or if she be , it’s four to one she’ll none of me . The Count himself here hard by woos her .

She’ll none o’ th’ Count . She’ll not match above her degree , neither in estate , years , nor wit . I have heard her swear ’t . Tut , there’s life in ’t , man .

I’ll stay a month longer . I am a fellow o’ th’ strangest mind i’ th’ world . I delight in masques and revels sometimes altogether .

Art thou good at these kickshawses , knight ?

As any man in Illyria , whatsoever he be , under the degree of my betters , and yet I will not compare with an old man .

What is thy excellence in a galliard , knight ?

Faith , I can cut a caper .

And I can cut the mutton to ’t .

And I think I have the back-trick simply as strong as any man in Illyria .

Wherefore are these things hid ? Wherefore have these gifts a curtain before ’em ? Are they like to take dust , like Mistress Mall’s picture ? Why dost thou not go to church in a galliard and come home in a coranto ? My very walk should be a jig . I would not so much as make water but in a sink-a-pace . What dost thou mean ? Is it a world to hide virtues in ? I did think , by the excellent constitution of thy leg , it was formed under the star of a galliard .

Ay , ’tis strong , and it does indifferent well in a dun-colored stock . Shall we set about some revels ?

What shall we do else ? Were we not born under Taurus ?

Taurus ? That’s sides and heart .

No , sir , it is legs and thighs . Let me see thee caper . Ha , higher ! Ha , ha , excellent !

If the Duke continue these favors towards you , Cesario , you are like to be much advanced . He hath known you but three days , and already you are no stranger .

You either fear his humor or my negligence , that you call in question the continuance of his love . Is he inconstant , sir , in his favors ?

No , believe me .

I thank you .

On your attendance , my lord , here .

Nay , either tell me where thou hast been , or I will not open my lips so wide as a bristle may enter in way of thy excuse . My lady will hang thee for thy absence .

Let her hang me . He that is well hanged in this world needs to fear no colors .

Make that good .

He shall see none to fear .

A good Lenten answer . I can tell thee where that saying was born , of “ I fear no colors . ”

Where , good Mistress Mary ?

In the wars ; and that may you be bold to say in your foolery .

Well , God give them wisdom that have it , and those that are Fools , let them use their talents .

Yet you will be hanged for being so long absent . Or to be turned away , is not that as good as a hanging to you ?

Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage , and , for turning away , let summer bear it out .

You are resolute , then ?

Not so , neither , but I am resolved on two points .

That if one break , the other will hold , or if both break , your gaskins fall .

Apt , in good faith , very apt . Well , go thy way . If Sir Toby would leave drinking , thou wert as witty a piece of Eve’s flesh as any in Illyria .

Peace , you rogue . No more o’ that . Here comes my lady . Make your excuse wisely , you were best .

Wit , an ’t be thy will , put me into good fooling ! Those wits that think they have thee do very oft prove fools , and I that am sure I lack thee may pass for a wise man . For what says Quinapalus ? “ Better a witty Fool than a foolish wit . ” — God bless thee , lady !

Take the Fool away .

Do you not hear , fellows ? Take away the Lady .

Go to , you’re a dry Fool . I’ll no more of you . Besides , you grow dishonest .

Two faults , madonna , that drink and good counsel will amend . For give the dry Fool drink , then is the Fool not dry . Bid the dishonest man mend himself ; if he mend , he is no longer dishonest ; if he cannot , let the botcher mend him . Anything that’s mended is but patched ; virtue that transgresses is but patched with sin , and sin that amends is but patched with virtue . If that this simple syllogism will serve , so ; if it will not , what remedy ? As there is no true cuckold but calamity , so beauty’s a flower . The Lady bade take away the Fool . Therefore , I say again , take her away .

Sir , I bade them take away you .

Misprision in the highest degree ! Lady , cucullus non facit monachum . That’s as much to say as , I wear not motley in my brain . Good madonna , give me leave to prove you a fool .

Can you do it ?

Dexteriously , good madonna .

Make your proof .

I must catechize you for it , madonna . Good my mouse of virtue , answer me .

Well , sir , for want of other idleness , I’ll bide your proof .

Good madonna , why mourn’st thou ?

Good Fool , for my brother’s death .

I think his soul is in hell , madonna .

I know his soul is in heaven , Fool .

The more fool , madonna , to mourn for your brother’s soul , being in heaven . Take away the fool , gentlemen .

What think you of this Fool , Malvolio ? Doth he not mend ?

Yes , and shall do till the pangs of death shake him . Infirmity , that decays the wise , doth ever make the better Fool .

God send you , sir , a speedy infirmity , for the better increasing your folly ! Sir Toby will be sworn that I am no fox , but he will not pass his word for twopence that you are no fool .

How say you to that , Malvolio ?

I marvel your Ladyship takes delight in such a barren rascal . I saw him put down the other day with an ordinary fool that has no more brain than a stone . Look you now , he’s out of his guard already . Unless you laugh and minister occasion to him , he is gagged . I protest I take these wise men that crow so at these set kind of Fools no better than the Fools’ zanies .

O , you are sick of self-love , Malvolio , and taste with a distempered appetite . To be generous , guiltless , and of free disposition is to take those things for bird-bolts that you deem cannon bullets . There is no slander in an allowed Fool , though he do nothing but rail ; nor no railing in a known discreet man , though he do nothing but reprove .

Now Mercury endue thee with leasing , for thou speak’st well of Fools !

Madam , there is at the gate a young gentleman much desires to speak with you .

From the Count Orsino , is it ?

I know not , madam . ’Tis a fair young man , and well attended .

Who of my people hold him in delay ?

Sir Toby , madam , your kinsman .

Fetch him off , I pray you . He speaks nothing but madman . Fie on him ! Go you , Malvolio . If it be a suit from the Count , I am sick , or not at home ; what you will , to dismiss it .

Now you see , sir , how your fooling grows old , and people dislike it .

Thou hast spoke for us , madonna , as if thy eldest son should be a Fool , whose skull Jove cram with brains , for — here he comes — one of thy kin has a most weak pia mater .

By mine honor , half drunk ! — What is he at the gate , cousin ?

A gentleman .

A gentleman ? What gentleman ?

’Tis a gentleman here — a plague o’ these pickle herring ! — How now , sot ?

Good Sir Toby .

Cousin , cousin , how have you come so early by this lethargy ?

Lechery ? I defy lechery . There’s one at the gate .

Ay , marry , what is he ?

Let him be the devil an he will , I care not . Give me faith , say I . Well , it’s all one .

What’s a drunken man like , Fool ?

Like a drowned man , a fool , and a madman . One draught above heat makes him a fool , the second mads him , and a third drowns him .

Go thou and seek the crowner and let him sit o’ my coz , for he’s in the third degree of drink : he’s drowned . Go look after him .

He is but mad yet , madonna , and the Fool shall look to the madman .

Madam , yond young fellow swears he will speak with you . I told him you were sick ; he takes on him to understand so much , and therefore comes to speak with you . I told him you were asleep ; he seems to have a foreknowledge of that too , and therefore comes to speak with you . What is to be said to him , lady ? He’s fortified against any denial .

Tell him he shall not speak with me .

Has been told so , and he says he’ll stand at your door like a sheriff’s post and be the supporter to a bench , but he’ll speak with you .

What kind o’ man is he ?

Why , of mankind .

What manner of man ?

Of very ill manner . He’ll speak with you , will you or no .

Of what personage and years is he ?

Not yet old enough for a man , nor young enough for a boy — as a squash is before ’tis a peascod , or a codling when ’tis almost an apple . ’Tis with him in standing water , between boy and man . He is very well-favored , and he speaks very shrewishly . One would think his mother’s milk were scarce out of him .

Gentlewoman , my lady calls .

The honorable lady of the house , which is she ?

Speak to me . I shall answer for her . Your will ?

Most radiant , exquisite , and unmatchable beauty — I pray you , tell me if this be the lady of the house , for I never saw her . I would be loath to cast away my speech , for , besides that it is excellently well penned , I have taken great pains to con it . Good beauties , let me sustain no scorn . I am very comptible even to the least sinister usage .

Whence came you , sir ?

I can say little more than I have studied , and that question’s out of my part . Good gentle one , give me modest assurance if you be the lady of the house , that I may proceed in my speech .

Are you a comedian ?

No , my profound heart . And yet by the very fangs of malice I swear I am not that I play . Are you the lady of the house ?

If I do not usurp myself , I am .

Most certain , if you are she , you do usurp yourself , for what is yours to bestow is not yours to reserve . But this is from my commission . I will on with my speech in your praise and then show you the heart of my message .

Come to what is important in ’t . I forgive you the praise .

Alas , I took great pains to study it , and ’tis poetical .

It is the more like to be feigned . I pray you , keep it in . I heard you were saucy at my gates , and allowed your approach rather to wonder at you than to hear you . If you be not mad , begone ; if you have reason , be brief . ’Tis not that time of moon with me to make one in so skipping a dialogue .

Will you hoist sail , sir ? Here lies your way .

No , good swabber , I am to hull here a little longer . — Some mollification for your giant , sweet lady .

Tell me your mind .

I am a messenger .

Sure you have some hideous matter to deliver when the courtesy of it is so fearful . Speak your office .

It alone concerns your ear . I bring no overture of war , no taxation of homage . I hold the olive in my hand . My words are as full of peace as matter .

Yet you began rudely . What are you ? What would you ?

The rudeness that hath appeared in me have I learned from my entertainment . What I am and what I would are as secret as maidenhead : to your ears , divinity ; to any other’s , profanation .

Give us the place alone . We will hear this divinity . Now , sir , what is your text ?

Most sweet lady —

A comfortable doctrine , and much may be said of it . Where lies your text ?

In Orsino’s bosom .

In his bosom ? In what chapter of his bosom ?

To answer by the method , in the first of his heart .

O , I have read it ; it is heresy . Have you no more to say ?

Good madam , let me see your face .

Have you any commission from your lord to negotiate with my face ? You are now out of your text . But we will draw the curtain and show you the picture . Look you , sir , such a one I was this present . Is ’t not well done ?

Excellently done , if God did all .

’Tis in grain , sir ; ’twill endure wind and weather .

O , sir , I will not be so hard-hearted ! I will give out divers schedules of my beauty . It shall be inventoried and every particle and utensil labeled to my will : as , item , two lips indifferent red ; item , two gray eyes with lids to them ; item , one neck , one chin , and so forth . Were you sent hither to praise me ?

Will you stay no longer ? Nor will you not that I go with you ?

By your patience , no . My stars shine darkly over me . The malignancy of my fate might perhaps distemper yours . Therefore I shall crave of you your leave that I may bear my evils alone . It were a bad recompense for your love to lay any of them on you .

Let me yet know of you whither you are bound .

No , sooth , sir . My determinate voyage is mere extravagancy . But I perceive in you so excellent a touch of modesty that you will not extort from me what I am willing to keep in . Therefore it charges me in manners the rather to express myself . You must know of me , then , Antonio , my name is Sebastian , which I called Roderigo . My father was that Sebastian of Messaline whom I know you have heard of . He left behind him myself and a sister , both born in an hour . If the heavens had been pleased , would we had so ended ! But you , sir , altered that , for some hour before you took me from the breach of the sea was my sister drowned .

Alas the day !

A lady , sir , though it was said she much resembled me , was yet of many accounted beautiful . But though I could not with such estimable wonder overfar believe that , yet thus far I will boldly publish her : she bore a mind that envy could not but call fair . She is drowned already , sir , with salt water , though I seem to drown her remembrance again with more .

Pardon me , sir , your bad entertainment .

O good Antonio , forgive me your trouble .

If you will not murder me for my love , let me be your servant .

If you will not undo what you have done — that is , kill him whom you have recovered — desire it not . Fare you well at once . My bosom is full of kindness , and I am yet so near the manners of my mother that , upon the least occasion more , mine eyes will tell tales of me . I am bound to the Count Orsino’s court . Farewell .

Were not you even now with the Countess Olivia ?

Even now , sir . On a moderate pace I have since arrived but hither .

She returns this ring to you , sir . You might have saved me my pains to have taken it away yourself . She adds , moreover , that you should put your lord into a desperate assurance she will none of him . And one thing more , that you be never so hardy to come again in his affairs unless it be to report your lord’s taking of this . Receive it so .

She took the ring of me . I’ll none of it .

Come , sir , you peevishly threw it to her , and her will is it should be so returned .

If it be worth stooping for , there it lies in your eye ; if not , be it his that finds it .

Approach , Sir Andrew . Not to be abed after midnight is to be up betimes , and “ diluculo surgere , ” thou know’st —

Nay , by my troth , I know not . But I know to be up late is to be up late .

A false conclusion . I hate it as an unfilled can . To be up after midnight and to go to bed then , is early , so that to go to bed after midnight is to go to bed betimes . Does not our lives consist of the four elements ?

Faith , so they say , but I think it rather consists of eating and drinking .

Thou ’rt a scholar . Let us therefore eat and drink . Marian , I say , a stoup of wine !

Here comes the Fool , i’ faith .

How now , my hearts ? Did you never see the picture of “ We Three ” ?

Welcome , ass ! Now let’s have a catch .

By my troth , the Fool has an excellent breast . I had rather than forty shillings I had such a leg , and so sweet a breath to sing , as the Fool has . — In sooth , thou wast in very gracious fooling last night when thou spok’st of Pigrogromitus of the Vapians passing the equinoctial of Queubus . ’Twas very good , i’ faith . I sent thee sixpence for thy leman . Hadst it ?

I did impeticos thy gratillity , for Malvolio’s nose is no whipstock , my lady has a white hand , and the Myrmidons are no bottle-ale houses .

Excellent ! Why , this is the best fooling when all is done . Now , a song !

Come on , there is sixpence for you . Let’s have a song .

There’s a testril of me , too . If one knight give a —

Would you have a love song or a song of good life ?

A love song , a love song .

Ay , ay , I care not for good life .

Excellent good , i’ faith !

Good , good .

A mellifluous voice , as I am true knight .

A contagious breath .

Very sweet and contagious , i’ faith .

To hear by the nose , it is dulcet in contagion . But shall we make the welkin dance indeed ? Shall we rouse the night owl in a catch that will draw three souls out of one weaver ? Shall we do that ?

An you love me , let’s do ’t . I am dog at a catch .

By ’r Lady , sir , and some dogs will catch well .

Most certain . Let our catch be “ Thou Knave . ”

“ Hold thy peace , thou knave , ” knight ? I shall be constrained in ’t to call thee “ knave , ” knight .

’Tis not the first time I have constrained one to call me “ knave . ” Begin , Fool . It begins “ Hold thy peace . ”

I shall never begin if I hold my peace .

Good , i’ faith . Come , begin .

What a caterwauling do you keep here ! If my lady have not called up her steward Malvolio and bid him turn you out of doors , never trust me .

My lady’s a Cataian , we are politicians , Malvolio’s a Peg-a-Ramsey , and Three merry men be we . Am not I consanguineous ? Am I not of her blood ? Tillyvally ! “ Lady ” ! There dwelt a man in Babylon , lady , lady .

Beshrew me , the knight’s in admirable fooling .

Ay , he does well enough if he be disposed , and so do I , too . He does it with a better grace , but I do it more natural .

O’ the twelfth day of December —

For the love o’ God , peace !

My masters , are you mad ? Or what are you ? Have you no wit , manners , nor honesty but to gabble like tinkers at this time of night ? Do you make an ale-house of my lady’s house , that you squeak out your coziers’ catches without any mitigation or remorse of voice ? Is there no respect of place , persons , nor time in you ?

We did keep time , sir , in our catches . Sneck up !

Sir Toby , I must be round with you . My lady bade me tell you that , though she harbors you as her kinsman , she’s nothing allied to your disorders . If you can separate yourself and your misdemeanors , you are welcome to the house ; if not , an it would please you to take leave of her , she is very willing to bid you farewell .

Farewell , dear heart , since I must needs be gone .

Nay , good Sir Toby .

His eyes do show his days are almost done .

Is ’t even so ?

But I will never die .

Sir Toby , there you lie .

This is much credit to you .

Shall I bid him go ?

What an if you do ?

Shall I bid him go , and spare not ?

O no , no , no , no , you dare not .

Out o’ tune , sir ? You lie . Art any more than a steward ? Dost thou think , because thou art virtuous , there shall be no more cakes and ale ?

Yes , by Saint Anne , and ginger shall be hot i’ th’ mouth , too .

Thou ’rt i’ th’ right . — Go , sir , rub your chain with crumbs . — A stoup of wine , Maria !

Mistress Mary , if you prized my lady’s favor at anything more than contempt , you would not give means for this uncivil rule . She shall know of it , by this hand .

Go shake your ears !

’Twere as good a deed as to drink when a man’s a-hungry , to challenge him the field and then to break promise with him and make a fool of him .

Do ’t , knight . I’ll write thee a challenge . Or I’ll deliver thy indignation to him by word of mouth .

Sweet Sir Toby , be patient for tonight . Since the youth of the Count’s was today with my lady , she is much out of quiet . For Monsieur Malvolio , let me alone with him . If I do not gull him into a nayword and make him a common recreation , do not think I have wit enough to lie straight in my bed . I know I can do it .

Possess us , possess us , tell us something of him .

Marry , sir , sometimes he is a kind of puritan .

O , if I thought that , I’d beat him like a dog !

What , for being a puritan ? Thy exquisite reason , dear knight ?

I have no exquisite reason for ’t , but I have reason good enough .

The devil a puritan that he is , or anything constantly but a time-pleaser ; an affectioned ass that cons state without book and utters it by great swaths ; the best persuaded of himself , so crammed , as he thinks , with excellencies , that it is his grounds of faith that all that look on him love him . And on that vice in him will my revenge find notable cause to work .

What wilt thou do ?

I will drop in his way some obscure epistles of love , wherein by the color of his beard , the shape of his leg , the manner of his gait , the expressure of his eye , forehead , and complexion , he shall find himself most feelingly personated . I can write very like my lady your niece ; on a forgotten matter , we can hardly make distinction of our hands .

Excellent ! I smell a device .

I have ’t in my nose , too .

He shall think , by the letters that thou wilt drop , that they come from my niece , and that she’s in love with him .

My purpose is indeed a horse of that color .

And your horse now would make him an ass .

Ass , I doubt not .

O , ’twill be admirable !

Sport royal , I warrant you . I know my physic will work with him . I will plant you two , and let the Fool make a third , where he shall find the letter . Observe his construction of it . For this night , to bed , and dream on the event . Farewell .

Good night , Penthesilea .

Before me , she’s a good wench .

She’s a beagle true bred , and one that adores me . What o’ that ?

I was adored once , too .

Let’s to bed , knight . Thou hadst need send for more money .

If I cannot recover your niece , I am a foul way out .

Send for money , knight . If thou hast her not i’ th’ end , call me “ Cut . ”

If I do not , never trust me , take it how you will .

Come , come , I’ll go burn some sack . ’Tis too late to go to bed now . Come , knight ; come , knight .

He is not here , so please your Lordship , that should sing it .

Who was it ?

Feste the jester , my lord , a Fool that the Lady Olivia’s father took much delight in . He is about the house .

Are you ready , sir ?

Ay , prithee , sing .

There’s for thy pains .

No pains , sir . I take pleasure in singing , sir .

I’ll pay thy pleasure , then .

Truly sir , and pleasure will be paid , one time or another .

Give me now leave to leave thee .

Now the melancholy god protect thee and the tailor make thy doublet of changeable taffeta , for thy mind is a very opal . I would have men of such constancy put to sea , that their business might be everything and their intent everywhere , for that’s it that always makes a good voyage of nothing . Farewell .

Come thy ways , Signior Fabian .

Nay , I’ll come . If I lose a scruple of this sport , let me be boiled to death with melancholy .

Wouldst thou not be glad to have the niggardly rascally sheep-biter come by some notable shame ?

I would exult , man . You know he brought me out o’ favor with my lady about a bearbaiting here .

To anger him , we’ll have the bear again , and we will fool him black and blue , shall we not , Sir Andrew ?

An we do not , it is pity of our lives .

Here comes the little villain . — How now , my metal of India ?

Get you all three into the boxtree . Malvolio’s coming down this walk . He has been yonder i’ the sun practicing behavior to his own shadow this half hour . Observe him , for the love of mockery , for I know this letter will make a contemplative idiot of him . Close , in the name of jesting ! Lie thou there for here comes the trout that must be caught with tickling .

’Tis but fortune , all is fortune . Maria once told me she did affect me , and I have heard herself come thus near , that should she fancy , it should be one of my complexion . Besides , she uses me with a more exalted respect than anyone else that follows her . What should I think on ’t ?

Here’s an overweening rogue .

O , peace ! Contemplation makes a rare turkeycock of him . How he jets under his advanced plumes !

’Slight , I could so beat the rogue !

Peace , I say .

To be Count Malvolio .

Ah , rogue !

Pistol him , pistol him !

Peace , peace !

There is example for ’t . The lady of the Strachy married the yeoman of the wardrobe .

Fie on him , Jezebel !

O , peace , now he’s deeply in . Look how imagination blows him .

Having been three months married to her , sitting in my state —

O , for a stone-bow , to hit him in the eye !

Calling my officers about me , in my branched velvet gown , having come from a daybed where I have left Olivia sleeping —

Fire and brimstone !

O , peace , peace !

And then to have the humor of state ; and after a demure travel of regard , telling them I know my place , as I would they should do theirs , to ask for my kinsman Toby —

Bolts and shackles !

O , peace , peace , peace ! Now , now .

Seven of my people , with an obedient start , make out for him . I frown the while , and perchance wind up my watch , or play with my — some rich jewel . Toby approaches ; curtsies there to me —

Shall this fellow live ?

Though our silence be drawn from us with cars , yet peace !

I extend my hand to him thus , quenching my familiar smile with an austere regard of control —

And does not Toby take you a blow o’ the lips then ?

Saying , “ Cousin Toby , my fortunes , having cast me on your niece , give me this prerogative of speech — ”

What , what ?

“ You must amend your drunkenness . ”

Out , scab !

Nay , patience , or we break the sinews of our plot !

“ Besides , you waste the treasure of your time with a foolish knight — ”

That’s me , I warrant you .

“ One Sir Andrew . ”

I knew ’twas I , for many do call me fool .

What employment have we here ?

Now is the woodcock near the gin .

O , peace , and the spirit of humors intimate reading aloud to him .

By my life , this is my lady’s hand ! These be her very c’s , her u’s , and her t’s , and thus she makes her great P’s . It is in contempt of question her hand .

Her c’s , her u’s , and her t’s . Why that ?

To the unknown beloved , this , and my good wishes — Her very phrases ! By your leave , wax . Soft . And the impressure her Lucrece , with which she uses to seal — ’tis my lady !

To whom should this be ?

This wins him , liver and all .

“ No man must know . ” What follows ? The numbers altered . “ No man must know . ” If this should be thee , Malvolio !

Marry , hang thee , brock !

A fustian riddle !

Excellent wench , say I .

“ M . O . A . I . doth sway my life . ” Nay , but first let me see , let me see , let me see .

What dish o’ poison has she dressed him !

And with what wing the staniel checks at it !

“ I may command where I adore . ” Why , she may command me ; I serve her ; she is my lady . Why , this is evident to any formal capacity . There is no obstruction in this . And the end — what should that alphabetical position portend ? If I could make that resemble something in me ! Softly ! “ M . O . A . I . ” —

O , ay , make up that . — He is now at a cold scent .

Sowter will cry upon ’t for all this , though it be as rank as a fox .

“ M ” — Malvolio . “ M ” — why , that begins my name !

Did not I say he would work it out ? The cur is excellent at faults .

“ M . ” But then there is no consonancy in the sequel that suffers under probation . “ A ” should follow , but “ O ” does .

And “ O ” shall end , I hope .

Ay , or I’ll cudgel him and make him cry “ O . ”

And then “ I ” comes behind .

Ay , an you had any eye behind you , you might see more detraction at your heels than fortunes before you .

“ M . O . A . I . ” This simulation is not as the former , and yet to crush this a little , it would bow to me , for every one of these letters are in my name . Soft , here follows prose . If this fall into thy hand , revolve . In my stars I am above thee , but be not afraid of greatness . Some are born great , some achieve greatness , and some have greatness thrust upon ’em . Thy fates open their hands . Let thy blood and spirit embrace them . And , to inure thyself to what thou art like to be , cast thy humble slough and appear fresh . Be opposite with a kinsman , surly with servants . Let thy tongue tang arguments of state . Put thyself into the trick of singularity . She thus advises thee that sighs for thee . Remember who commended thy yellow stockings and wished to see thee ever cross-gartered . I say , remember . Go to , thou art made , if thou desir’st to be so . If not , let me see thee a steward still , the fellow of servants , and not worthy to touch Fortune’s fingers . Farewell . She that would alter services with thee , The Fortunate-Unhappy . Daylight and champian discovers not more ! This is open . I will be proud , I will read politic authors , I will baffle Sir Toby , I will wash off gross acquaintance , I will be point-devise the very man . I do not now fool myself , to let imagination jade me ; for every reason excites to this , that my lady loves me . She did commend my yellow stockings of late , she did praise my leg being cross-gartered , and in this she manifests herself to my love and , with a kind of injunction , drives me to these habits of her liking . I thank my stars , I am happy . I will be strange , stout , in yellow stockings , and cross-gartered , even with the swiftness of putting on . Jove and my stars be praised ! Here is yet a postscript . Thou canst not choose but know who I am . If thou entertain’st my love , let it appear in thy smiling ; thy smiles become thee well . Therefore in my presence still smile , dear my sweet , I prithee . Jove , I thank thee ! I will smile . I will do everything that thou wilt have me .

I will not give my part of this sport for a pension of thousands to be paid from the Sophy .

I could marry this wench for this device .

So could I too .

And ask no other dowry with her but such another jest .

Nor I neither .

Here comes my noble gull-catcher .

Wilt thou set thy foot o’ my neck ?

Or o’ mine either ?

Shall I play my freedom at tray-trip and become thy bondslave ?

I’ faith , or I either ?

Why , thou hast put him in such a dream that when the image of it leaves him he must run mad .

Nay , but say true , does it work upon him ?

Like aqua vitae with a midwife .

If you will then see the fruits of the sport , mark his first approach before my lady . He will come to her in yellow stockings , and ’tis a color she abhors , and cross-gartered , a fashion she detests ; and he will smile upon her , which will now be so unsuitable to her disposition , being addicted to a melancholy as she is , that it cannot but turn him into a notable contempt . If you will see it , follow me .

To the gates of Tartar , thou most excellent devil of wit !

I’ll make one , too .

Save thee , friend , and thy music . Dost thou live by thy tabor ?

No , sir , I live by the church .

Art thou a churchman ?

No such matter , sir . I do live by the church , for I do live at my house , and my house doth stand by the church .

So thou mayst say the king lies by a beggar if a beggar dwell near him , or the church stands by thy tabor if thy tabor stand by the church .

You have said , sir . To see this age ! A sentence is but a chev’ril glove to a good wit . How quickly the wrong side may be turned outward !

Nay , that’s certain . They that dally nicely with words may quickly make them wanton .

I would therefore my sister had had no name , sir .

Why , man ?

Why , sir , her name’s a word , and to dally with that word might make my sister wanton . But , indeed , words are very rascals since bonds disgraced them .

Thy reason , man ?

Troth , sir , I can yield you none without words , and words are grown so false I am loath to prove reason with them .

I warrant thou art a merry fellow and car’st for nothing .

Not so , sir . I do care for something . But in my conscience , sir , I do not care for you . If that be to care for nothing , sir , I would it would make you invisible .

Art not thou the Lady Olivia’s Fool ?

No , indeed , sir . The Lady Olivia has no folly . She will keep no Fool , sir , till she be married , and Fools are as like husbands as pilchers are to herrings : the husband’s the bigger . I am indeed not her Fool but her corrupter of words .

I saw thee late at the Count Orsino’s .

Foolery , sir , does walk about the orb like the sun ; it shines everywhere . I would be sorry , sir , but the Fool should be as oft with your master as with my mistress . I think I saw your Wisdom there .

Nay , an thou pass upon me , I’ll no more with thee . Hold , there’s expenses for thee .

Now Jove , in his next commodity of hair , send thee a beard !

By my troth I’ll tell thee , I am almost sick for one , though I would not have it grow on my chin . — Is thy lady within ?

Would not a pair of these have bred , sir ?

Yes , being kept together and put to use .

I would play Lord Pandarus of Phrygia , sir , to bring a Cressida to this Troilus .

I understand you , sir . ’Tis well begged .

The matter I hope is not great , sir , begging but a beggar : Cressida was a beggar . My lady is within , sir . I will conster to them whence you come . Who you are and what you would are out of my welkin — I might say “ element , ” but the word is overworn .

Save you , gentleman .

And you , sir .

Dieu vous garde , monsieur .

Et vous aussi . Votre serviteur !

I hope , sir , you are , and I am yours .

Will you encounter the house ? My niece is desirous you should enter , if your trade be to her .

I am bound to your niece , sir ; I mean , she is the list of my voyage .

Taste your legs , sir ; put them to motion .

My legs do better understand me , sir , than I understand what you mean by bidding me taste my legs .

I mean , to go , sir , to enter .

I will answer you with gait and entrance — but we are prevented .

Most excellent accomplished lady , the heavens rain odors on you !

That youth’s a rare courtier . “ Rain odors , ” well .

My matter hath no voice , lady , but to your own most pregnant and vouchsafed ear .

“ Odors , ” “ pregnant , ” and “ vouchsafed . ” I’ll get ’em all three all ready .

Let the garden door be shut , and leave me to my hearing .

Give me your hand , sir .

No , faith , I’ll not stay a jot longer .

Thy reason , dear venom , give thy reason .

You must needs yield your reason , Sir Andrew .

Marry , I saw your niece do more favors to the Count’s servingman than ever she bestowed upon me . I saw ’t i’ th’ orchard .

Did she see thee the while , old boy ? Tell me that .

As plain as I see you now .

This was a great argument of love in her toward you .

’Slight , will you make an ass o’ me ?

I will prove it legitimate , sir , upon the oaths of judgment and reason .

And they have been grand-jurymen since before Noah was a sailor .

She did show favor to the youth in your sight only to exasperate you , to awake your dormouse valor , to put fire in your heart and brimstone in your liver . You should then have accosted her , and with some excellent jests , fire-new from the mint , you should have banged the youth into dumbness . This was looked for at your hand , and this was balked . The double gilt of this opportunity you let time wash off , and you are now sailed into the north of my lady’s opinion , where you will hang like an icicle on a Dutchman’s beard , unless you do redeem it by some laudable attempt either of valor or policy .

An ’t be any way , it must be with valor , for policy I hate . I had as lief be a Brownist as a politician .

Why , then , build me thy fortunes upon the basis of valor . Challenge me the Count’s youth to fight with him . Hurt him in eleven places . My niece shall take note of it , and assure thyself there is no love-broker in the world can more prevail in man’s commendation with woman than report of valor .

There is no way but this , Sir Andrew .

Will either of you bear me a challenge to him ?

Go , write it in a martial hand . Be curst and brief . It is no matter how witty , so it be eloquent and full of invention . Taunt him with the license of ink . If thou “thou”-est him some thrice , it shall not be amiss , and as many lies as will lie in thy sheet of paper , although the sheet were big enough for the bed of Ware in England , set ’em down . Go , about it . Let there be gall enough in thy ink , though thou write with a goose-pen , no matter . About it .

Where shall I find you ?

We’ll call thee at the cubiculo . Go .

This is a dear manikin to you , Sir Toby .

I have been dear to him , lad , some two thousand strong or so .

We shall have a rare letter from him . But you’ll not deliver ’t ?

Never trust me , then . And by all means stir on the youth to an answer . I think oxen and wainropes cannot hale them together . For Andrew , if he were opened and you find so much blood in his liver as will clog the foot of a flea , I’ll eat the rest of th’ anatomy .

And his opposite , the youth , bears in his visage no great presage of cruelty .

Look where the youngest wren of mine comes .

If you desire the spleen , and will laugh yourselves into stitches , follow me . Yond gull Malvolio is turned heathen , a very renegado ; for there is no Christian that means to be saved by believing rightly can ever believe such impossible passages of grossness . He’s in yellow stockings .

And cross-gartered ?

Most villainously , like a pedant that keeps a school i’ th’ church . I have dogged him like his murderer . He does obey every point of the letter that I dropped to betray him . He does smile his face into more lines than is in the new map with the augmentation of the Indies . You have not seen such a thing as ’tis . I can hardly forbear hurling things at him . I know my lady will strike him . If she do , he’ll smile and take ’t for a great favor .

Come , bring us , bring us where he is .

He’s coming , madam , but in very strange manner . He is sure possessed , madam .

Why , what’s the matter ? Does he rave ?

No , madam , he does nothing but smile . Your Ladyship were best to have some guard about you if he come , for sure the man is tainted in ’s wits .

Smil’st thou ? I sent for thee upon a sad occasion .

Sad , lady ? I could be sad . This does make some obstruction in the blood , this cross-gartering , but what of that ? If it please the eye of one , it is with me as the very true sonnet is : “ Please one , and please all . ”

Why , how dost thou , man ? What is the matter with thee ?

Not black in my mind , though yellow in my legs . It did come to his hands , and commands shall be executed . I think we do know the sweet Roman hand .

Wilt thou go to bed , Malvolio ?

To bed ? “ Ay , sweetheart , and I’ll come to thee . ”

God comfort thee ! Why dost thou smile so , and kiss thy hand so oft ?

How do you , Malvolio ?

At your request ? Yes , nightingales answer daws !

Why appear you with this ridiculous boldness before my lady ?

“ Be not afraid of greatness . ” ’Twas well writ .

What mean’st thou by that , Malvolio ?

“ Some are born great — ”

Ha ?

“ Some achieve greatness — ”

What sayst thou ?

“ And some have greatness thrust upon them . ”

Heaven restore thee !

“ Remember who commended thy yellow stockings — ”

Thy yellow stockings ?

“ And wished to see thee cross-gartered . ”

Cross-gartered ?

“ Go to , thou art made , if thou desir’st to be so — ”

Am I made ?

“ If not , let me see thee a servant still . ”

Why , this is very midsummer madness !

Madam , the young gentleman of the Count Orsino’s is returned . I could hardly entreat him back . He attends your Ladyship’s pleasure .

I’ll come to him . Good Maria , let this fellow be looked to . Where’s my Cousin Toby ? Let some of my people have a special care of him . I would not have him miscarry for the half of my dowry .

O ho , do you come near me now ? No worse man than Sir Toby to look to me . This concurs directly with the letter . She sends him on purpose that I may appear stubborn to him , for she incites me to that in the letter : “ Cast thy humble slough , ” says she . “ Be opposite with a kinsman , surly with servants ; let thy tongue tang with arguments of state ; put thyself into the trick of singularity , ” and consequently sets down the manner how : as , a sad face , a reverend carriage , a slow tongue , in the habit of some Sir of note , and so forth . I have limed her , but it is Jove’s doing , and Jove make me thankful ! And when she went away now , “ Let this fellow be looked to . ” “ Fellow ! ” Not “ Malvolio , ” nor after my degree , but “ fellow . ” Why , everything adheres together , that no dram of a scruple , no scruple of a scruple , no obstacle , no incredulous or unsafe circumstance — what can be said ? Nothing that can be can come between me and the full prospect of my hopes . Well , Jove , not I , is the doer of this , and he is to be thanked .

Which way is he , in the name of sanctity ? If all the devils of hell be drawn in little , and Legion himself possessed him , yet I’ll speak to him .

Here he is , here he is . — How is ’t with you , sir ? How is ’t with you , man ?

Go off , I discard you . Let me enjoy my private . Go off .

Lo , how hollow the fiend speaks within him ! Did not I tell you ? Sir Toby , my lady prays you to have a care of him .

Aha , does she so ?

Go to , go to ! Peace , peace . We must deal gently with him . Let me alone . — How do you , Malvolio ? How is ’t with you ? What , man , defy the devil ! Consider , he’s an enemy to mankind .

Do you know what you say ?

La you , an you speak ill of the devil , how he takes it at heart ! Pray God he be not bewitched !

Carry his water to th’ wisewoman .

Marry , and it shall be done tomorrow morning if I live . My lady would not lose him for more than I’ll say .

How now , mistress ?

O Lord !

Prithee , hold thy peace . This is not the way . Do you not see you move him ? Let me alone with him .

No way but gentleness , gently , gently . The fiend is rough and will not be roughly used .

Why , how now , my bawcock ? How dost thou , chuck ?

Sir !

Ay , biddy , come with me . — What , man , ’tis not for gravity to play at cherry-pit with Satan . Hang him , foul collier !

Get him to say his prayers , good Sir Toby ; get him to pray .

My prayers , minx ?

No , I warrant you , he will not hear of godliness .

Go hang yourselves all ! You are idle , shallow things . I am not of your element . You shall know more hereafter .

Is ’t possible ?

If this were played upon a stage now , I could condemn it as an improbable fiction .

His very genius hath taken the infection of the device , man .

Nay , pursue him now , lest the device take air and taint .

Why , we shall make him mad indeed .

The house will be the quieter .

Come , we’ll have him in a dark room and bound . My niece is already in the belief that he’s mad . We may carry it thus , for our pleasure and his penance , till our very pastime , tired out of breath , prompt us to have mercy on him , at which time we will bring the device to the bar and crown thee for a finder of madmen . But see , but see !

More matter for a May morning .

Here’s the challenge . Read it . I warrant there’s vinegar and pepper in ’t .

Is ’t so saucy ?

Ay , is ’t . I warrant him . Do but read .

Give me . Youth , whatsoever thou art , thou art but a scurvy fellow .

Good , and valiant .

Wonder not nor admire not in thy mind why I do call thee so , for I will show thee no reason for ’t .

A good note , that keeps you from the blow of the law .

Thou com’st to the Lady Olivia , and in my sight she uses thee kindly . But thou liest in thy throat ; that is not the matter I challenge thee for .

Very brief , and to exceeding good sense — less .

I will waylay thee going home , where if it be thy chance to kill me —

Good .

Thou kill’st me like a rogue and a villain .

Still you keep o’ th’ windy side of the law . Good .

Fare thee well , and God have mercy upon one of our souls . He may have mercy upon mine , but my hope is better , and so look to thyself . Thy friend , as thou usest him , and thy sworn enemy , Andrew Aguecheek . If this letter move him not , his legs cannot . I’ll give ’t him .

You may have very fit occasion for ’t . He is now in some commerce with my lady and will by and by depart .

Go , Sir Andrew . Scout me for him at the corner of the orchard like a bum-baily . So soon as ever thou seest him , draw , and as thou draw’st , swear horrible , for it comes to pass oft that a terrible oath , with a swaggering accent sharply twanged off , gives manhood more approbation than ever proof itself would have earned him . Away !

Nay , let me alone for swearing .

Now will not I deliver his letter , for the behavior of the young gentleman gives him out to be of good capacity and breeding ; his employment between his lord and my niece confirms no less . Therefore , this letter , being so excellently ignorant , will breed no terror in the youth . He will find it comes from a clodpoll . But , sir , I will deliver his challenge by word of mouth , set upon Aguecheek a notable report of valor , and drive the gentleman ( as I know his youth will aptly receive it ) into a most hideous opinion of his rage , skill , fury , and impetuosity . This will so fright them both that they will kill one another by the look , like cockatrices .

Here he comes with your niece . Give them way till he take leave , and presently after him .

I will meditate the while upon some horrid message for a challenge .

Gentleman , God save thee .

And you , sir .

That defense thou hast , betake thee to ’t . Of what nature the wrongs are thou hast done him , I know not , but thy intercepter , full of despite , bloody as the hunter , attends thee at the orchard end . Dismount thy tuck , be yare in thy preparation , for thy assailant is quick , skillful , and deadly .

You mistake , sir . I am sure no man hath any quarrel to me . My remembrance is very free and clear from any image of offense done to any man .

You’ll find it otherwise , I assure you . Therefore , if you hold your life at any price , betake you to your guard , for your opposite hath in him what youth , strength , skill , and wrath can furnish man withal .

I pray you , sir , what is he ?

He is knight dubbed with unhatched rapier and on carpet consideration , but he is a devil in private brawl . Souls and bodies hath he divorced three , and his incensement at this moment is so implacable that satisfaction can be none but by pangs of death and sepulcher . “ Hob , nob ” is his word ; “ give ’t or take ’t . ”

I will return again into the house and desire some conduct of the lady . I am no fighter . I have heard of some kind of men that put quarrels purposely on others to taste their valor . Belike this is a man of that quirk .

Sir , no . His indignation derives itself out of a very competent injury . Therefore get you on and give him his desire . Back you shall not to the house , unless you undertake that with me which with as much safety you might answer him . Therefore on , or strip your sword stark naked , for meddle you must , that’s certain , or forswear to wear iron about you .

This is as uncivil as strange . I beseech you , do me this courteous office , as to know of the knight what my offense to him is . It is something of my negligence , nothing of my purpose .

I will do so . — Signior Fabian , stay you by this gentleman till my return .

Pray you , sir , do you know of this matter ?

I know the knight is incensed against you even to a mortal arbitrament , but nothing of the circumstance more .

I beseech you , what manner of man is he ?

Nothing of that wonderful promise , to read him by his form , as you are like to find him in the proof of his valor . He is indeed , sir , the most skillful , bloody , and fatal opposite that you could possibly have found in any part of Illyria . Will you walk towards him ? I will make your peace with him if I can .

I shall be much bound to you for ’t . I am one that had rather go with Sir Priest than Sir Knight , I care not who knows so much of my mettle .

Why , man , he’s a very devil . I have not seen such a firago . I had a pass with him , rapier , scabbard , and all , and he gives me the stuck-in with such a mortal motion that it is inevitable ; and on the answer , he pays you as surely as your feet hits the ground they step on . They say he has been fencer to the Sophy .

Pox on ’t ! I’ll not meddle with him .

Ay , but he will not now be pacified . Fabian can scarce hold him yonder .

Plague on ’t ! An I thought he had been valiant , and so cunning in fence , I’d have seen him damned ere I’d have challenged him . Let him let the matter slip , and I’ll give him my horse , gray Capilet .

I’ll make the motion . Stand here , make a good show on ’t . This shall end without the perdition of souls . Marry , I’ll ride your horse as well as I ride you .

I have his horse to take up the quarrel . I have persuaded him the youth’s a devil .

He is as horribly conceited of him , and pants and looks pale as if a bear were at his heels .

There’s no remedy , sir ; he will fight with you for ’s oath sake . Marry , he hath better bethought him of his quarrel , and he finds that now scarce to be worth talking of . Therefore , draw for the supportance of his vow . He protests he will not hurt you .

Pray God defend me ! A little thing would make me tell them how much I lack of a man .

Give ground if you see him furious .

Come , Sir Andrew , there’s no remedy . The gentleman will , for his honor’s sake , have one bout with you . He cannot by the duello avoid it . But he has promised me , as he is a gentleman and a soldier , he will not hurt you . Come on , to ’t .

Pray God he keep his oath !

You , sir ? Why , what are you ?

O , good Sir Toby , hold ! Here come the officers .

I’ll be with you anon .

Pray , sir , put your sword up , if you please .

Marry , will I , sir . And for that I promised you , I’ll be as good as my word . He will bear you easily , and reins well .

This is the man . Do thy office .

Antonio , I arrest thee at the suit of Count Orsino .

You do mistake me , sir .

Come hither , knight ; come hither , Fabian . We’ll whisper o’er a couplet or two of most sage saws .

A very dishonest , paltry boy , and more a coward than a hare . His dishonesty appears in leaving his friend here in necessity and denying him ; and for his cowardship , ask Fabian .

A coward , a most devout coward , religious in it .

’Slid , I’ll after him again and beat him .

Do , cuff him soundly , but never draw thy sword .

An I do not —

Come , let’s see the event .

I dare lay any money ’twill be nothing yet .

Will you make me believe that I am not sent for you ?

Go to , go to , thou art a foolish fellow . Let me be clear of thee .

Well held out , i’ faith . No , I do not know you , nor I am not sent to you by my lady to bid you come speak with her , nor your name is not Master Cesario , nor this is not my nose neither . Nothing that is so is so .

I prithee , vent thy folly somewhere else . Thou know’st not me .

Vent my folly ? He has heard that word of some great man and now applies it to a Fool . Vent my folly ? I am afraid this great lubber the world will prove a cockney . I prithee now , ungird thy strangeness and tell me what I shall vent to my lady . Shall I vent to her that thou art coming ?

I prithee , foolish Greek , depart from me . There’s money for thee . If you tarry longer , I shall give worse payment .

By my troth , thou hast an open hand . These wise men that give Fools money get themselves a good report — after fourteen years’ purchase .

Now , sir , have I met you again ? There’s for you .

Why , there’s for thee , and there , and there . — Are all the people mad ?

Hold , sir , or I’ll throw your dagger o’er the house .

This will I tell my lady straight . I would not be in some of your coats for twopence .

Come on , sir , hold !

Nay , let him alone . I’ll go another way to work with him . I’ll have an action of battery against him , if there be any law in Illyria . Though I struck him first , yet it’s no matter for that .

Let go thy hand !

Come , sir , I will not let you go . Come , my young soldier , put up your iron . You are well fleshed . Come on .

What , what ? Nay , then , I must have an ounce or two of this malapert blood from you .

Madam .

Nay , I prithee , put on this gown and this beard ; make him believe thou art Sir Topas the curate . Do it quickly . I’ll call Sir Toby the whilst .

Well , I’ll put it on and I will dissemble myself in ’t , and I would I were the first that ever dissembled in such a gown . I am not tall enough to become the function well , nor lean enough to be thought a good student , but to be said an honest man and a good housekeeper goes as fairly as to say a careful man and a great scholar . The competitors enter .

Jove bless thee , Master Parson .

Bonos dies , Sir Toby ; for , as the old hermit of Prague , that never saw pen and ink , very wittily said to a niece of King Gorboduc “ That that is , is , ” so I , being Master Parson , am Master Parson ; for what is “ that ” but “ that ” and “ is ” but “ is ” ?

To him , Sir Topas .

What ho , I say ! Peace in this prison !

The knave counterfeits well . A good knave .

Who calls there ?

Sir Topas the curate , who comes to visit Malvolio the lunatic .

Sir Topas , Sir Topas , good Sir Topas , go to my lady —

Out , hyperbolical fiend ! How vexest thou this man ! Talkest thou nothing but of ladies ?

Well said , Master Parson .

Sir Topas , never was man thus wronged . Good Sir Topas , do not think I am mad . They have laid me here in hideous darkness —

Fie , thou dishonest Satan ! I call thee by the most modest terms , for I am one of those gentle ones that will use the devil himself with courtesy . Sayst thou that house is dark ?

As hell , Sir Topas .

Why , it hath bay windows transparent as barricadoes , and the clerestories toward the south-north are as lustrous as ebony ; and yet complainest thou of obstruction ?

I am not mad , Sir Topas . I say to you this house is dark .

Madman , thou errest . I say there is no darkness but ignorance , in which thou art more puzzled than the Egyptians in their fog .

I say this house is as dark as ignorance , though ignorance were as dark as hell . And I say there was never man thus abused . I am no more mad than you are . Make the trial of it in any constant question .

What is the opinion of Pythagoras concerning wildfowl ?

That the soul of our grandam might haply inhabit a bird .

What thinkst thou of his opinion ?

I think nobly of the soul , and no way approve his opinion .

Fare thee well . Remain thou still in darkness . Thou shalt hold th’ opinion of Pythagoras ere I will allow of thy wits , and fear to kill a woodcock lest thou dispossess the soul of thy grandam . Fare thee well .

Sir Topas , Sir Topas !

My most exquisite Sir Topas !

Nay , I am for all waters .

Thou mightst have done this without thy beard and gown . He sees thee not .

To him in thine own voice , and bring me word how thou find’st him . I would we were well rid of this knavery . If he may be conveniently delivered , I would he were , for I am now so far in offense with my niece that I cannot pursue with any safety this sport the upshot . Come by and by to my chamber .

Hey , Robin , jolly Robin , Tell me how thy lady does .

Fool !

My lady is unkind , perdy .

Fool !

Alas , why is she so ?

Fool , I say !

She loves another — Who calls , ha ?

Good fool , as ever thou wilt deserve well at my hand , help me to a candle , and pen , ink , and paper . As I am a gentleman , I will live to be thankful to thee for ’t .

Master Malvolio ?

Ay , good Fool .

Alas , sir , how fell you besides your five wits ?

Fool , there was never man so notoriously abused . I am as well in my wits , Fool , as thou art .

But as well ? Then you are mad indeed , if you be no better in your wits than a Fool .

They have here propertied me , keep me in darkness , send ministers to me — asses ! — and do all they can to face me out of my wits .

Advise you what you say . The minister is here . Malvolio , Malvolio , thy wits the heavens restore . Endeavor thyself to sleep and leave thy vain bibble-babble .

Sir Topas !

Maintain no words with him , good fellow . Who , I , sir ? Not I , sir ! God buy you , good Sir Topas . Marry , amen . I will , sir , I will .

Fool ! Fool ! Fool , I say !

Alas , sir , be patient . What say you , sir ? I am shent for speaking to you .

Good Fool , help me to some light and some paper . I tell thee , I am as well in my wits as any man in Illyria .

Welladay that you were , sir !

By this hand , I am . Good Fool , some ink , paper , and light ; and convey what I will set down to my lady . It shall advantage thee more than ever the bearing of letter did .

I will help you to ’t . But tell me true , are you not mad indeed , or do you but counterfeit ?

Believe me , I am not . I tell thee true .

Nay , I’ll ne’er believe a madman till I see his brains . I will fetch you light and paper and ink .

Fool , I’ll requite it in the highest degree . I prithee , begone .

Now , as thou lov’st me , let me see his letter .

Good Master Fabian , grant me another request .

Anything .

Do not desire to see this letter .

This is to give a dog and in recompense desire my dog again .

Ay , sir , we are some of her trappings .

Truly , sir , the better for my foes and the worse for my friends .

No , sir , the worse .

How can that be ?

Marry , sir , they praise me and make an ass of me . Now my foes tell me plainly I am an ass ; so that by my foes , sir , I profit in the knowledge of myself , and by my friends I am abused . So that , conclusions to be as kisses , if your four negatives make your two affirmatives , why then the worse for my friends and the better for my foes .

Why , this is excellent .

By my troth , sir , no — though it please you to be one of my friends .

But that it would be double-dealing , sir , I would you could make it another .

O , you give me ill counsel .

Put your grace in your pocket , sir , for this once , and let your flesh and blood obey it .

Well , I will be so much a sinner to be a double-dealer : there’s another .

Primo , secundo , tertio is a good play , and the old saying is , the third pays for all . The triplex , sir , is a good tripping measure , or the bells of Saint Bennet , sir , may put you in mind — one , two , three .

You can fool no more money out of me at this throw . If you will let your lady know I am here to speak with her , and bring her along with you , it may awake my bounty further .

Marry , sir , lullaby to your bounty till I come again . I go , sir , but I would not have you to think that my desire of having is the sin of covetousness . But , as you say , sir , let your bounty take a nap . I will awake it anon .

For the love of God , a surgeon ! Send one presently to Sir Toby .

What’s the matter ?

Has broke my head across , and has given Sir Toby a bloody coxcomb too . For the love of God , your help ! I had rather than forty pound I were at home .

Who has done this , Sir Andrew ?

The Count’s gentleman , one Cesario . We took him for a coward , but he’s the very devil incardinate .

My gentleman Cesario ?

’Od’s lifelings , here he is ! — You broke my head for nothing , and that that I did , I was set on to do ’t by Sir Toby .

If a bloody coxcomb be a hurt , you have hurt me . I think you set nothing by a bloody coxcomb .

Here comes Sir Toby halting . You shall hear more . But if he had not been in drink , he would have tickled you othergates than he did .

How now , gentleman ? How is ’t with you ?

That’s all one . Has hurt me , and there’s th’ end on ’t . Sot , didst see Dick Surgeon , sot ?

O , he’s drunk , Sir Toby , an hour agone ; his eyes were set at eight i’ th’ morning .

Then he’s a rogue and a passy-measures pavin . I hate a drunken rogue .

Away with him ! Who hath made this havoc with them ?

I’ll help you , Sir Toby , because we’ll be dressed together .

Will you help ? — an ass-head , and a coxcomb , and a knave , a thin-faced knave , a gull ?